Happy Wife, Happy Life!

by Cookie

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Gentelemen, take note:

There are about a billion and one articles about how to keep your marriage happy.  Date nights, flowers, romantic getaways; it’s all bullshit.  If you want your marriage to survive post children, read on.

1. Refrigerator Etiquette:

Let’s start by defining the word empty.  Empty means that if what is left in the jar or carton is not enough for a serving for your wife, don’t put it back in the goddamn fridge.  If the tupperware  of leftovers has less than one tablespoon in it,  feed it to the dogs, throw it out, but do not put it back in the fridge.  This shit is seriously annoying.

2. Don’t touch my shit.

Did your wife put it there?  Then that’s where it goes.  We put it there because we need it shortly, tomorrow or next week and we want to know where it is when we do.  It feels like you’re helping, and we appreciate the effort, but find a better way.  I’m sure there’s a garbage in need of emptying somewhere.

3. Toys.

I’m not talking about Lego here kids.  I’m talking about investing in a fleshlight for you and a supreme model vibrator for your wife.  Cause here’s the thing, after you have kids your sex life has changed.  A lot of times the answer is no, because we’re tired and pissed off about the empty mayo jar, so the need for a fleshlight is (hopefully) self-explanatory.  Sometimes the answer is no, because us girls would rather take care of ourselves when you’re not around since it’s more efficient, and we want to think about Norman Reedus without feeling guilty about it.  And sometimes the answer is ” let’s get it on!”  In which case we have about 7 minutes before the baby wakes up or because any longer than that is unacceptable to allow your child to scream from their crib while we do it.  In either case, the vibrator is your friend.  Time is money, kapeesh?

4. Nighttime baby duty

If your wife stays in bed in the middle of the night while your child screams in the other room log enough for you to actually a) hear it and b) wake up, don’t ask if I want you to go get her.  If I’m not already in there, you can safely assume it’s your turn.  Learn to read the non verbal cues.

5.Gender roles

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m pretty sure that everything boys can do, girls can do better.  But I have decided that not all stereotypically gender assigned chores are bad.  Therefore, you can expect that your jobs include stuff that requires hair on your chest.  Such as: things with power tools, grease, dirt, shit I break, shoveling, heavy lifting, car issues, things that smell, and any other unpleasant job that would threaten my femininity.

6. “Yes, Dear.”  “Anything you want”  “You’re right”

Learn these phrases.  Memorize them.  Use them.

I grew your child in my uterus and pushed it out of my vagina.  We’ll call it even in about a thousand years.

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