Are You Getting Any?

by Cookie


So.  Who’s getting some these days, who’s not getting any, and who’s getting a little but would really like to get a bit more?

Not THAT .   I’m talking about SLEEP.  The most precious, coveted, non-existent part of anyone’s life after they have a child.

Factor # 1. The baby.  Even if you have a child that sleeps (mostly) through the night, this little bundle of joy is capable of wrecking a potentially good nights sleep merely by existing.  Because you see, a woman has some sort of internal ninja talent that makes her able to hear a feather fall to the floor in a baby’s room.  Which means one little peep and we’re awake.   Fantasy solution:  Free bedtime nannies and regular nights for us parents in a hotel with room service.

Factor#2. The fucking dog. Have you ever tried to sleep with a hellhound wiener dog?  It’s like they convert themselves into liquid to fit into the most aggravating spot possible in bed, and then turn into a bag of cement that is nailed to that particular spot on the bed. Just try and move it.  Oh and they sleep length wise.  Which means they get 3/4 of the space and you are shit outta luck.

Factor #3. The other fucking dog.  Have you ever tried to sleep with a morbidly obese pug?  Although sweet and warm and really soft, they snore like a goddamn lumberjack.  Yeah.  I think we might get a cat after all.

Factor #4. Lack of alcohol.  The problem with having a child sleeping in the next room is that you also can’t really rely on enough alcohol to send you into a grand slumber.  Because there’s always a what if in the back of your mind.  What if there’s a fire and I don’t wake up because I’m drunk?  What if she spikes a high fever in the middle of the night and I have to drunk drive my baby to the Emergency Room?  I remember when feeling like shit in the morning was due to poor decision making the night before, not responsible ones.

Factor # 5. Not being able to clear your head and relax. Never mind.  See Factor #4.

Here’s to sleeping again in about 25 more years!