Are You Getting Any?
by Cookie
So. Who’s getting some these days, who’s not getting any, and who’s getting a little but would really like to get a bit more?
Not THAT . I’m talking about SLEEP. The most precious, coveted, non-existent part of anyone’s life after they have a child.
Factor # 1. The baby. Even if you have a child that sleeps (mostly) through the night, this little bundle of joy is capable of wrecking a potentially good nights sleep merely by existing. Because you see, a woman has some sort of internal ninja talent that makes her able to hear a feather fall to the floor in a baby’s room. Which means one little peep and we’re awake. Fantasy solution: Free bedtime nannies and regular nights for us parents in a hotel with room service.
Factor#2. The fucking dog. Have you ever tried to sleep with a hellhound wiener dog? It’s like they convert themselves into liquid to fit into the most aggravating spot possible in bed, and then turn into a bag of cement that is nailed to that particular spot on the bed. Just try and move it. Oh and they sleep length wise. Which means they get 3/4 of the space and you are shit outta luck.
Factor #3. The other fucking dog. Have you ever tried to sleep with a morbidly obese pug? Although sweet and warm and really soft, they snore like a goddamn lumberjack. Yeah. I think we might get a cat after all.
Factor #4. Lack of alcohol. The problem with having a child sleeping in the next room is that you also can’t really rely on enough alcohol to send you into a grand slumber. Because there’s always a what if in the back of your mind. What if there’s a fire and I don’t wake up because I’m drunk? What if she spikes a high fever in the middle of the night and I have to drunk drive my baby to the Emergency Room? I remember when feeling like shit in the morning was due to poor decision making the night before, not responsible ones.
Factor # 5. Not being able to clear your head and relax. Never mind. See Factor #4.
Here’s to sleeping again in about 25 more years!
ihaveanopinionidliketoshare 
FYI: Cats snore too. I’ve had a few nights where I could hear all three other household members snoring from their beds: the cat, the husband, and the baby. I then moved to the couch, as it was further from all the snoring, and could finally fall asleep. Also, cats all seem to have the same talent as a weiner dog, in that they pick the most annoying place on the bed to sleep (usually between my ankles or knees) and turn to cement with rebar going through to the floorboards. You wouldn’t think a 10 lb cat would be so hard to kick off the bed.
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Sing it, sister. And it only gets worse. Ugh.
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