Survival Of The Fittest

by Cookie


I’m not sure about the rest of you, but even though I love spending time with my family, I am a little relieved to have the major part of the holidays over.  There is a little bit of clean up left but the hard part is done.

So, after surviving the past two days, here are my tips to ensure you can host two days of festivities in your own home without any major problems:

1.  Paper Plates

If you are hosting more than one day in a row, the first day must be takeout and paper plates.  I know, I know, the environment, blah blah blah.  You know what? The environment is gonna have to take one for the team.  Unless someone plans to bring an extra dishwasher and a maid,  you are eating off paper plates on Christmas Eve.  We put the “ass” in class around here.

2. Gift Bags

Never, ever use wrapping paper.  Why?  Because it’s fucking annoying and I hate tape.  Throw everything in a gift bag.  Easy wrapping job.  Furthermore, clean up is easy  and this will create less garbage, I promise.  If you are cheap and lazy  frugal and environmentally conscious, you can collect the bags up and save them for next year.  We’ll also call it even about the paper plates.

3. Invite the Right People

Seeing as its your house, you can invite who you want.  I personally make sure to have my bestie come and provide a safe place for me to hang out if I’m feeling irritable.  I advise picking a good conversationalist, with a wide knowledge base, who can hold their liquor for as long as necessary.

4. Don’t Be Pregnant

This is purely a stand against sobriety.  It is never, ever, ever, fun or appropriate or acceptable to be sober at consecutive family functions.  Unfortunately, pregnancy forces you to break this rule.  Plan your conceptions better, people.

5. Everyone Can Help With Dishes

Husbands are awesome, in-laws are great, but this is where I highly recommend getting a dog.  Even better, get more than one.  Shit, I bet you can foster some pups over the holidays if anything to help with this chore.  Listen carefully.  The sink is only so big and you can only rinse one dish at a time.  Chunks are bad for the drain.  So.  After dinner, place all the plates, pots, pans, cutting boards and children on the floor and let the dogs in.  They are the fastest, most efficient clean up crew in the history of the world.  You will thank me later.

Happy Holidays, Bitches.