Waiting On You

by Cookie


As New Year’s Eve arrives and we all doll ourselves up and head out to every restaurant, bar and party in the city, there are a few rules you can follow to ensure you piss the serving staff off.

That’s right….YOU.   You probably have no idea how irritating you actually are sometimes.  And the only reason the waiter or bartender is tolerant of you is because we want your money.  Everyone has their price, and mine is 20-25% of your total bill.

How to make me hate you:

1. Don’t get off your phone or ask them to hang on when I approach the table.

Cause you know what?  I budgeted this moment in the mayhem to come and ask you what you’d like, chat you up a bit and make you comfortable.  And then I budgeted  another 90 seconds to go get it.  Not to go away and come back empty handed.  You just cost me twice the amount of my time, and time is money.

2. Bitch at me because of the prices.

Cause I am totally in control of that, asshole.  I just pour the beer.  I don’t ferment it.  I don’t supply it.  I don’t decide anything but how much head is on top of your draft.  So just. fuck.off.

3.Make me get one thing at a time.  Every time I come to your table.

Seriously.  You will make an enemy out of me and every other bartender in the world.  If I ask you if you want another while you have 1/10th of your drink left and someone else is getting one.  Just order it now.  You won’t look like a pig.  You’ll look like someone I won’t hate.

4. Ask me to wipe the table because it’s sticky and then bitch that the table is wet.

Yeah, it’s wet.  Cause I just wiped it, you idiot.  You know, with water.

5. Tip like shit, especially if you’re a regular.

Trust me on this, people.  If you frequent an establishment fairly regularly and tip like garbage, the staff will remember you and draw straws over who has to take care of you.  or we’ll make the new guy do it.  Either way, you service will likely suck. You will be the last priority.  Because we remember you.

6. Wear ill fitting clothes.

This won’t make me hate you, but you will notice that you have an incredibly attentive staff.  It’s not because you’re special, it’s because you’re a spectacle.  We will all want to see the ass crack hanging out of your pants, or your enormous boobs bursting out of your sweater. or your skanky thong showing atop of your ultra low rise jeans.

At the end of the day, I don’t really give a shit if you like me.  But you care if i like you.

And I like you best when you tip 20-25% percent of the total bill.