What’s in a Name?
I’m starting to be concerned that I may have misnamed my daughter.
When you’re expecting your first child, there is nothing more fun than playing the name game with your spouse. You pour through the Emmas and Sophies and Jakes and Olivers. And then you
tell your spouse how retarded his choices are politely debate over which ones don’t fit or are too popular or too bizarre. Until you find it. The perfect fit. The one.
So you name your little sprite its perfect name and then the child grows into a toddler and you wonder what the hell you were thinking. We are there right now. We are considering a legal name change. For reals.
Here are some of our options:
You know how in Star Wars Han Solo is the only one who can understand Chewie? Han speaks to Chewie in English and then Chewie roars something unintelligible back and they understand each other perfectly? That’s sorta where we’re at here. My 17 month old has an incredible level of comprehension and pretty much non-existent verbal skills. Is that weird? I could give her instructions on how to bake a pie and she could probably do it. Just don’t ask her to repeat anything back to you. You will get nothing but grunts, pointing, screeches and “Ga” , which somehow Mommy Solo here has been able to interpret rather well.
2. Lady Gaga
My biggest concern here is that Lady Gaga has probably copyrighted this name. But seriously, it belongs to my kid. Every fucking thing is a Ga. Here a Ga, there a Ga, everywhere a Gaga. So I think that we should consider this name for her. At least then she would be able to say her own name, right?
3. Pumpkin Troublefinder
This is her Indian name. I know, politically incorrect, but we’re talking about a toddler here. We’ve always nicknamed her Pumpkin, but we only had it half right. IF there is trouble she will find it. I swear she can fucking smell it from a mile away. if it’s not for playing with she will take it. If it’s not for eating she will put it in her mouth. If its up there, she will climb it. All in the name of trouble.
3. Pumpkin Nutcrusher
This is the other Indian name we’re considering. A Warbaby. This kid could be used to infiltrate the enemy’s inner circle with her sweet little face. And then when you’re not expecting it, crush your nuts so hard that you will be singing soprano for life.
Anyway, I just want her to talk. I’m starting to worry she’s gonna be on the special bus, ya know?
And behave herself. That would be kinda nice too.
And try to keep Daddy’s balls intact. Ok?