Halle Berry’s Boobs
Ahhhh. Awards season. The time of year when it turns cold as fuck and we Canadians will do anything to find entertainment indoors. Luckily for us, celebrities like to get together in the winter, get dressed up, get drunk, and talk about how wonderful they are.
They also like to talk about the movies they’re in and what geniuses their castmates and directors are. And don’t forget the other nominees. You know, the ones that didn’t win. They’re pretty amazing as well. Which is convenient, because if you beat them, I guess that makes you double amazing. Nothing like tooting your own horn passive aggressively.
But let’s get to the important stuff, kids. I really, really, really need to talk about Halle Berry’s tits. Did you see this monstrosity of a dress? Jesus:
Let’s just pretend for a second that she doesn’t look like Tarzan’s wife on a bad acid trip. She looks like she had a pre-Golden Globe mastectomy. Why is one of her tits suffering from gigantism? WHAT the fuck was her stylist thinking? I was so distracted by this that I don’t even know what award she presented.
I hope she was good and drunk last night so she remembers how amazing she looked in her mind. Cause she’s gonna wake up this morning and wish she was never born when she sees the pictures. At least this way she’ll have good memories.
I really hate to do this, but take a close look at Jeremy Renner’s face:
Jeremy. You are so hot. Usually. You don’t need to pretend to grow a mustache to be mature and sexy.
Furthermore, that is NOT a mustache. It looks like someone shaved a caterpillar and glued it to your face. Please. Please make this go away and never ever do this again.
I don’t particularly like her dress. In a way that it’s not something I would ever wear myself. But this bitch rocked it. When she walked out on the stage, I asked God to make me a lesbian so that her and I could be together. Seriously. Of course Robert Downey Jr was there, which brought me back to heterosexuality in a big hurry, but wow.
And greatest odd moment of the evening was Jodie Foster’s “lifetime achievement” award UMMMM. She’s 50. And she thought it was weird. Maybe they mistook the fact that she hasn’t really made a movie in like 10 years as retirement. But you can bet your ass she’ll be making some now.
All in all, it was a decent show. The hosts got a few good jabs in, although I don’t think they got as drunk as Ricky Gervais used to. Oh well, there’s always next year.