Groundhog Day in the Parental Wasteland

by Cookie


Seriously.  Do all you people with children have maids or cleaning ladies or wall washing engineers or whatever they like to be called?  Or do you all live like me?  You know, in a state of chaos and borderline filth?

Husband and I clean daily.  For reals we do.  Yet every day the dog hair shows up as a pizza topping.  Every day my little sprite’s white socks are black on the bottom, and considering she leaves them on for about 45 seconds, that’s probably not a good sign.  Everyday the kitchen looks like the Swedish Chef took over the day before and there is shit everywhere.  The dishwasher constantly runs.  Yesterday was the first day in a week and a half that I didn’t do a load of laundry, so now I’m behind.

And I don’t even work full time.

Every time I take a step forward.  The Destroyer comes along.  And fucking pulls me two steps backwards.  Maybe daycare is a reasonable option for us after all.

The other day I demolished the kitchen by making some homemade soup. It was a fucking mess anyway, so when I was done, I decided to clean it up while my child played in the living room.  Or so I thought.

Once I finally had the kitchen cleaned from the waist up, I felt an enormous sense of accomplishment.  Until I looked on the floor.  The little fucker had pulled everything off every surface she could reach onto the floor. The cupboards were empty.  The floor was full.  And I wanted to walk over to the bar, open a bottle of gin and get a straw.

And then…..I felt a little flutter come from my ever growing abdomen.  One of the initial moves that makes you realize you are growing another miracle, and I stopped and smiled.

And then I realized with horror.  Oh.My.God.  Soon there will be two.  And I will probably give up and drink rum on the couch all day while they destroy the house.

My girlfriend told me the other day she feels like she lives in her dishwasher because nobody in her house can reuse a fucking glass.  At least I’m not alone.  Cause we easily empty the glassware cupboard every day as I desperately drink all sorts of flavored herbal teas to make myself feel relaxed.

My other girlfriend told me the other day how she put rye in her tea and that it was delightful.   What a bitch.  My tea is plain, and my house is dirty.

Have you ever seen the movie Groundhog Day?  With Bill Murray?  It’s terrific, one of my all time favorites.  And it’s exactly what it feels like to try and keep your house tidy and clean with a toddler.  You just keep doing the same day over and over again.  You try to change something around, but the day starts over, and her socks are still black and there is no rye in my tea.