Non-Douchebag Rearing Parenting

by Cookie



Ahhh Friday.  I thought I’d leave you all on Friday with a nice controversial thought to ponder. Let’s get everyone all hot on the tits before the weekend.  Let’s talk about Attachment Parenting.

I don’t get it.  I mean, some of it I get.  The whole purpose behind it is to nurture a meaningful and lifetime bond between a parent and the child. You are supposed to achieve this by following eight principles.  Here we go (all information from

1. Emotionally Preparing for Pregnancy and Birth.

Umm.  Yeah.  Whatever.  I don’t give a shit how many classes you take, or what you think you have planned, or what you think you want to happen.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, will emotionally prepare you for a person coming out of your vanaynay.  Once late labor begins, everything you think you know doesn’t even exist.  My advice is to get over it, get a doula to yell at, and keep the bar stocked with rum for Daddy during, and some gin for you after.  Nothing will ever prepare you for the immediate joy and sense of completion you get once you hold your child for the first time either.  So just go with it.

2. Feed with Love and Respect.  IE:  Feed on demand.

I’m sorry. This will make your life a living hell.  As a woman you will feel like wearing a bell and calling someone over to brand you.  The baby is happy, and you want to die.  My advice, whether you breast or bottle feed, is get that little fucker on a schedule and stick to it.  Better sleep for everyone.  This ain’t no dairy farm, folks.

3. Respond with Sensitivity.

I think the intention here is to be in tune and sensitive to your baby’s needs.  But in practice it ends up being stick your tit in its mouth every time it cries.  The philosophy is that the parent is needed to regulate a child’s emotions, that it is impossible for a child to self-soothe.  I call bullshit. If you have checked to make sure all needs are met ( including a snuggle), let them cry it out for a bit. Unless my child and my baby-whisperer cousin’s children are all some sort of emotionally advanced aliens, and the only children to survive and thrive from such a thing.  Possible, I guess. I am half Irish, after all.

4. Nurturing Touch

This one I like.  I like the skin on skin, the baby likes the skin on skin.  Sometimes we take baths together and she loves it.  And the Snuggli did wonders when she was teeny.  I think with this next one I will invest in a baby wrap and wear him/her for reals.  It’s practical too…..when I need both hands to deal with the Destroyer while carting # 2 around.  1 point for API.

5.  Co-Sleeping.

Oh dear.  This could be a whole other post.  Destroyer never, ever even slept in our room, let alone our bed.  Oh my God.  With three dogs in the house, she would have been trampled for sure.  One of my friends asked me where the baby slept when she was brand new.  I was like,  “in her crib, where else?”  It hadn’t even occurred to me to bring her in our bed.  I could roll over on her.  I could smother her.  Oh my God.  It’s more than my neurotic self could handle.

Further more.  That’s our bed.  I have friends who now cannot get their toddler out of their room at night.  I can’t even.  No wonder people thought it was weird for us to be pregnant again so soon.  They probably haven’t even had sex since their first child was born.  That’s a lot of long showers, boys, while you take care of your business.

6.Consistent and Loving Care

Yeah.  Basically this means that Moms never leave their child’s side.  And if they do, make everything around them flexible so they don’t freak out from the separation.  Fuck that. There is this other person involved called Daddy.  And he is not a second class parent.  He is an equal partner.  It takes a goddamn village to raise a child, for reals.  And I think it’s important for a child to feel comfortable with someone other than me.  My daughter gets consistent and loving care.  With the village that is raising her.

7. Positive Discipline.

“Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others.”

So what if my kid is a little turd of a fucker who doesn’t have compassion for others yet?  I thought #3 said a child was incapable of even regulating their own emotions enough to self soothe, but you want me to trust them to self-fucking-discipline? I am at an absolute loss.  I have a great idea.  Let’s not teach a child any independence, any self-regulation, or ever leave their side.  Then let’s throw them in the world and expect them to make the right choices because they somehow are born with the ability to find it in their hearts to do the right thing.

I’m sorry.  Giant fail, Dr. Sears.

8. Strive for Balance.

Yes.  Don’t be afraid to say “no”. Check.  Be creative and fun. Yes.

I think no matter what parenting method you choose, this is the key.  Parenting is never easy.  We all make the choices that seem right for us.  But if you balance discipline with knowledge and routine and most of all love, your child probably won’t be an asshole. I think I’m going to start my own parenting method.  It’ll be called “Non-Douchebag Rearing Parenting.”

Expect it out this summer.  I’ll get on it.

Happy Friday, Bitches. x