What You Don’t Want to Know About Pregnancy
I had a gazillion ideas swirling through my head this weekend. Some really entertaining and interesting things for you all to read about.
And I can’t remember a single one of them.
You know why? Because somebody is slowly sucking the life juice out of me. Starting with my memory. I’m not naming any names (mostly because we can’t agree on any) but let’s just say it’s an inside job.
So instead, I am going to divulge a little list of some of the things that nobody ever really talks about when it comes to pregnancy and child rearing.
1. Once you get pregnant, you can kiss bladder control goodbye. Forever. I cannot remember the last time I sneezed without crossing my legs together tightly or squeezing my butt cheeks or whatever I could semi-discreetly do to prevent myself from pissing myself. And you stupidly think to yourself, “oh it will go back to normal after the baby is out. It’s just pressure on my bladder.”It’s one of those lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better, but it’s a total.fucking.lie.
2. In some weird flip of events, you will crave beer all the time. It doesn’t matter if you never drank beer before. It doesn’t matter if the smell of beer on your husband’s breath never did anything for you before. Now it’s better than Axe. I love the smell of beer. I want a sip so, so bad. And then when I deliver and can finally have some, it will go away. Sick joke, Pregnancy Inventor. Sick joke.
3. If you’ve ever wondered if it would be possible to walk on stumps instead of feet (because who doesn’t wonder things like that) It is possible. By the time you hit the second trimester and your ankles have swollen to the size of grapefruits you will know what I mean. They are so puffy that the ankle is no longer a joint, because it doesn’t bend. And yet somehow you still waddle around, carrying a toddler, a purse, 4 litres of milk and a wish to be dead.
4. And just as you’re settling in to your lifestyle of eating machine, your toddler decides it wants to start to expressing itself. By being naked all the time. Have you ever tried to get pants on a screaming child that doesn’t want to wear them? One leg on, start putting on the other, and it pulls the other leg out. Fuck it. I heard frostbite is cool these days. All the babies have it. Right?
5. Oh and the best part is the crying fits. I can hardly even watch tv anymore. I teared up looking a Ray Lewis during the National Anthem yesterday. Ray fucking Lewis. I hate the Ravens. What the holy fuck is this thing doing to me?
6. Crotch cramps. Enough said.
Happy Monday, bitches.