by Cookie

I am in serious need of assistance.  We are starting to have a bit of a shit problem around here.

At what point does a child become aware of the fluids and solids that it excretes?  At what point does a child care about sitting in a wet or shitty diaper or a bathtub full of shit nuggets?

Because let me tell you, the Destroyer is beginning to make a habit of multitasking in a way that is about to send her pregnant mother over the edge.  I cannot clean up another poop in the bath.  Do you understand what that smells like to a bloodhound?  Well I do.

So, someone please reassure me that this is one of the first signs that she may be ready to potty train.  There have been a few other signs as well.  Sometimes, if her diaper is really wet and she wants me to change it, she will lie in the middle of the floor until I come and change her pants.  Sometimes, she will go as far as handing me a diaper first.  Sometimes, though, she performs this little act just to fuck with me.  As soon as I get near, she’s up and off to the races.  It’s nothing but a ploy to get me to chase her.

Are babies capable of manipulation? Or has she been spending too much time watching the dog jerk me around in the same way?  I don’t fucking care, as long as excrement stays on the inside of her diaper and out the goddamn bath tub.

You want a low down of  the other night?

She’s in the tub, happy as a little clam, when all of a sudden, I notice something underneath the bubbles.  A little nugget.  “Fuck”, I think, “she sharted.”   Then I look around the tub, and there is shit nuggets floating all over.  She has filled up the tub with a man sized shit.  Like a “I drank a 26 of rye last night” shit-o-rama.  And she is playing with it. It was suddenly so awesome to be alive.

So I pull her out, and let her hang out in the bathroom while I start the clean up.  Just as I’m about to go downstairs and get some Tilex, I look over to see my little Sprite pissing all over the floor.  Are you fucking kidding me?  We sat on the toilet before the tub to avoid this very situation! Clearly, I am an epic failure at potty training and motherhood.

And it gets better.  Because the obese and half-retarded pug steps in the piss and happily trots off down the stairs to settle in and find a nice pissy place to sleep.  Fuck her.

Then it’s clean the tub, rinse the tub, throw the child back in the water and wash her down.  The whole ordeal probably only lasted about 45 minutes, but I’m pretty sure it aged me about 5 years.

So.  Please.  Tell me this means she can learn to go potty like a big girl.  Please give me the green light for potty training.

Or please pass the wine.  Oh. Wait.  I can’t do that either.