10 Things I Hate About You: Pregnancy Edition
by Cookie
As this pregnancy progresses, I’m finding myself more and more irritable. Not just regular bitchy, because I’m not really known for doing the politically correct thing anyway. But zero filter on my mouth kind of instant bitchy. I used to operate at about a 10-20% filter most days, but now it’s completely gone.
So.
10 things I hate about you:
1. I hate you if you are drinking an alcoholic beverage. Don’t offer me a mocktail. Don’t offer me a de-alcoholized beer. If people drank because they liked the taste, you wouldn’t need a wedge of lime after a tequila shot and you wouldn’t throw up after drinking too much. I don’t care how fucking good that cake is. I’m not going to eat it until I puke. But if it got me drunk, I might think about it.
2. I hate you if you can sneeze/cough/laugh/go up stairs/ trip/ or any other activity without pissing yourself a little bit.
Get.Off.My.Bladder.
3. I hate you if you are sleeping peacefully through the night. Curling up in any position you want, without a little alien jabbing you to protest your current choice. I hate you if you had a glass of wine to help you sleep. Wait. I already said that.
4. I hate you if you can still wear shoes that actually go with your outfit. I will hate you less once it’s summer and I can wear flip flops too, but until then, I’m praying that you break your ankle in those heels, just so I’m not the only one hobbling around in sensible flats.
5. I hate you if you take up two parking spots instead of one with your big truck. I’m really sorry for your other shortcomings, but I’m more sorry about the fact that now my fat ass has to walk further to my building on campus.
6. I also hate you if you park too close to me. Have you seen the gut I’m sporting, asshole? Do you think I can suck it in and squeeze in the 6 inches of space you’ve left between our cars? That’s ok. I’ll just wait for you to return to your vehicle before I can go home. Or I’ll ram my car door into yours extra hard to make myself feel better. Or I’ll slash your tires. Whichever.
7. I hate you if you are eating a ham sandwich. I know, I know. I can heat the lunch meat in the microwave until “steaming hot” to ward off the Listeria fears. But it’s not the same. Sometimes, a girl just needs a trip to the deli. Ya know?
8. I hate you if you are a stranger or acquaintance and feel like you can touch me just because I’m pregnant. Remember what I said about zero filter? I might have been able to restrain myself from punching you in the face before, but now, NO guarantees.
9. I hate you if you are a man. Because no person will come out of your vagina ever.
10. I hate you if you are able to keep yourself tidy down there. Shaving has already become a hope and pray situation. Like crossing an intersection if you can’t see if there is oncoming traffic or not. I can’t see what the hell I’m doing, so I’m pretty sure it ain’t pretty. If you are a Slavic, no nonsense esthetician who wants to take care of that for me, give me a call.
I’m gonna go get myself a Blizzard now, while the rest of you bitches are watching your weight. So there.
I’ll see your Blizzard and raise you a bottle of rum because fuck you, that’s why.
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But honestly, I hate everyone on your list except drinkers, too. I’m only now starting to regain some bladder control.
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OMG. I can’t believe you hate me that much. When I pop this kid out, I am hopping on a plane and I”LL SEE THAT BOTTLE OF RUM YOU LUNATIC BITCH!
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I. Can’t. Wait!
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How Awesome! I loved your blog. It really reminds me of myself. Im currently pregnant and filled with rage. I really needed that laugh!
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I think countries should forget weapons of mass destruction and just send in a platoon of angry pregnant chicks. We’d do some serious damage.
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This is hilarious! I’m not pregnant nor have I ever been yet, but this is basically a list of my future bitchings.
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You just sound like most Italian bitches I know who aren’t even pregnant…
We men sometimes take some pretty big dukes, lady, so it’s not like we don’t know what you’re talking about!
I had an old boss who stopped drinking for the duration of his wife’s pregnancy in support of her. I remember thinking he was a total pussy.
I tried it anyway and lasted from the morning my wife said she was pregnant until that same afternoon at happy hour. lol. That was almost 6 hours! She doesn’t like me when I haven’t had a drink in several days anyway.
Being pregnant is a blessing. You have stuff to blog about now, right?
I may have to become addicted to crack or something so that I have stories to share. I’m running out!
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I hated all those tidy bump people. I looked ready to deliver at 16weeks!
I still rage over my pregnancies and they are well in my past. What eejit said “we forget when we see our baby!” Oh dear I feel the rage building.
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