Common Diseases Found In Restaurants
Is it just me, or are people getting ruder?
Or just stupider?
Regardless, I’m finding that people around me are less and less considerate of others. We have raised a new generation of “All About Mes”.
Maybe its just me. Maybe it’s just my fear of awkward silence that forces me to talk to strangers while waiting in line at the bank. Or wishing the cashier a nice weekend too. Or saying please and thank you to the server at a restaurant.
Which brings me to my rant. I’m sure many of you dine out on a regular basis. And many of you may have read my New Years Eve special “Waiting on You.” there are several things that you, the paying customer, do that makes the wait staff crazy. Don’t worry. If you missed out on these fabulous opportunities to treat your server or bartender like shit, I have some new tips ( no pun intended) for you.
See if any of these diagnoses fit:
1. “I’m the Only One In the Restaurant-Itis.
Contrary to how your shit ass parents raised you, you are not the center of my universe. In fact, you are probably such a douchebag that the only reason you are the center of your parents universe is guilt and obligation. Although I am trying my very best to help you have a pleasant evening, I cannot possibly spend the entire time ignoring other guests on your behalf. Especially considering the other guests are tipping more than 5% you fat bastard. Ask me for one more thing, everytime I even walk close to your table, and I’m gonna spill something on you.
2. I Need The Gluten Free Menu Not Because of Celiac Or Allergy But Because I’m Fucking Annoying Syndrome.
I know. Elizabeth what’s her name on The View advocates a gluten free diet. It’s the new thing, but here’s a secret. I hate her too. And you know what? I understand if you have dietary restrictions, and I have no problem accommodating them. But there are some rules for this:
-Allow a few extra minutes for me to make sure I don’t poison you. I could go faster, and you could go to the hospital. Your choice.
-Try to find it in your heart to not make it seem like the world owes you something because you need special food.
-If you are asking for gluten free because you’re an asshole, go fuck yourself and eat at some organic trendy bistro.
3. I Don’t Want Anything To Drink I’ll Just Have Wateroma
Is it wet? Does it come in a glass? Do I have to pour it and refill it for you? Then its a drink, motherfucker. Even if you are too cheap to pay for something that costs money. It still counts.
4. “I’ll Have” Flu
I’ll have another water. I’ll have some more bread.
I have the cure for this disease. Its called the “I’ll Get” vaccine. As in I’ll get it when I’m good and ready, dicksmacker. If you want a quicker solution try: “May I have some more water please?”
5. Where Is the Bathroom-Itis?
What am I? A fucking tour guide? Take a little walk, look for the sign and find it yourself. Or ask a hostess. I’m too busy getting your gluten free water to help you find where to piss.
So kids. Is it too much to ask that you say please and thank you? Is it too much to ask that you don’t expect drive-thru speed in a sit down atmosphere? Is it too much to ask that you go out to eat to enjoy and splurge a little than to try and see how much free shit you can squeak out of an establishment?
Probably. Because we are getting ruder. But try and think how you would feel if someone came into your home for dinner and didn’t say thank you. Or bitched the entire time. Or never stopped asking you for shit for one second.
Think about how degrading and disrespectful that would feel. And then never treat another server that same way.