Winter: Fuck You Edition

by Cookie

I am seriously in need of a change in weather.  I don’t want to be one of those losers that has nothing to say and so they talk about the weather and nothing interesting ever.   But seriously, people it is March the fucking 19th and we just had a blizzard here yesterday.  I can’t fucking take anymore. Let me give some very good reasons I need spring, and I need it now. 

1. I am too fat to chase my toddler around the house every time we have to get dressed to go outside.  She wants to go out, but as soon as we actually have to get ready it turns into this annoying game which is fun for no one except for her.  Put the hat on, the hat comes off.  Try to put the mittens on, she shakes them off.  She is the devil.

2.  I am also too fat to keep having to wear boots to go outside.  I need to be wearing flip flops, people.  I can’t bend over far enough to get the fucking boots on anymore.

3.  AND I am also too fat to do up any of my winter coats.  I wasn’t about to go spend a couple hundred bucks last month on a maternity winter coat for like 2 weeks of winter.  If I would have known this was going to be a fucking ice age, I may have reconsidered this.

4. Dairy Queen has Blizzard treats on sale this month for buy one, get one for .99$.  I know I talk about this a lot, but the month is going by so fast!  Who wants to eat a goddamn Blizzard treat in a blizzard?

5. The snow in the backyard is so deep I can’t even take the dogs back there to play.  The pug can’t even take a shit because her ass in under the snow.  And when the dogs aren’t getting out enough, they get super annoying.  They pace.  They follow you around incessantly.  And they do what any true member of our family does when they’re bored.  They eat.  And by eat, I mean they eat the child’s crayons.  Do you know what it looks like outside in the potty zone?  It looks like Rainbow Brite  has been taking a shit in my backyard.  Please.  Spring. Please.

6. I think we have this thing called cabin fever.  Have you ever tried to entertain a toddler in the house all day while Daddy tries to sleep during the weeks he’s on night shift?  It’s super fun except all of those moments when the child is using screaming for a sound effect.  It doesn’t matter if she is displaying happiness, or discontent, or excitement.  The appropriate reaction is to scream.  So she pretty much screams all the time.

7.  I need to Bbq.  I mean we still can, but seeing as I’m challenged in the winter gear department, and part of the fun of Bbq-ing is sitting outside together while dinner cooks and the Destroyer sleeps peacefully, this shit needs to melt ASAP.  I need a flame broiled steak.  I need fire on my meat.  And I need to stop making such a mess of the kitchen, because then I have to clean it afterwards.  Bbq means defrost meat, place potatoes, toss salad.  No mess, lots of eating, and a trip to DQ after.

One more dump of snow could break me.  I’m crumbling as it its.  Yesterday I watched Breaking Dawn Part 2 and cried like a baby.  I need to get outside for some fresh, unfrozen air, and empty some of the crazy out of my sauce.