I’ve Got A License To Drive A Bitchwagon, And I’d Like to Keep It That Way

by Cookie

Thank goodness for the news.  It provides me with a never ending list of stupid shit to talk about.  But today we’re going to get a little serious.

Today we’re going to talk about crazy.  We’re going to talk about all the good reasons women have to be bitches.  The article that fueled my inspiration this morning is about PMS.  At present, it’s not something I have to deal with but I’ve had my share.

Anyway, according to this piece eating a burger can help alleviate some of the symptoms of PMS.  NO shit.  You know what else can?  French fries, potato chips and buckets of ice cream.  A pair of sweatpants and a sign that says “leave me the fuck alone”.  But for reals, the article goes on about potassium levels and all the physiological reasons you feel like a bitch or bloated or whatever.  And how eating more iron makes you less likely to feel this way.

What surprised me even more was that the article was written by a woman.  What is wrong with you?  Do not tell the men that there is a possible solution to our crazy!  And especially not that the solution is to eat more like a man.  For God’s sake.  PMS is like our secret weapon.  Men hate to hear about it.  They are afraid of the word period.  Or cramps. Or vagina.

If you make them feel like it’s no big deal and fixable with nutrition, how the hell and I going to make my boss so uncomfortable that he lets me go home early sometimes?  Seriously.  Keep the crazy a mystery.  We can keep the upper hand that way.

You see, hormones are a powerful thing.  I know this because I was once a biologist.  I also know because I have been pregnant more than once.  And let me tell you, we certainly don’t want men thinking they can solve our pregnancy discomforts simply by throwing some burgers on the BBQ.  We need to help them suffer a little bit through things too.  And really, having a 9 month permit to act like a psychotic raving bitch at times is a small step  towards calling the whole childbirth thing even.

People fear what they don’t understand.  And this article may help men understand what’s behind our freak outs and irrational behavior.  And if they understand it, they will try to fix it.  That’s what men like to do.  They like to fix shit.  It’s part of the reason we let them stick around.

But at present, men are very confused about why women act they way they do.  And having things like PMS in our arsenal is like them worrying about us unleashing the Kraken.  ( that one’s for you, Anita).  They don’t know what they’re up against. So don’t tell them anything they don’t need to know!

I like to know that I can always come out on top.  So while I will probably enjoy a couple of burgers while PMSing, and certainly while pregnant,  I am going to try and hold on to my hormones.   I am going to act like a bitch and have a burger.

So take your iron pills and shove them, mister.