Dear Victoria: You Ain’t So Good At Keeping Secrets

by Cookie

Try fitting this under yoga pants!

Try fitting this under yoga pants!  photo from

I don’t have anything much to write about today.   Well, actually I have a lot of something to write about today in response to Don’s Liebster Award nomination.  I just don’t have enough time to fill out all the requirements this morning.  So it’ll have to wait a day or two.

So I just have a short little opinion today on Victoria’s Secret and her Angels.

First of all, I just want to say that if the lingerie you’re selling doesn’t fit under my clothes, then it’s not a secret.  Who comes up with these fucking names?  Let’s be honest.  Half of the shit you see on the runway is not lingerie.  It’s fuck me gear.  I’m not saying I have anything against that, but let’s call a spade a spade.  If I dress up in white knee highs and a plaid skirt that doesn’t really cover my ass and some red matching underthingies at 35 years old, I’m probably not going to the supermarket.  And that’s not a secret either, Victoria.

Second of all, please make a reasonable effort to make sure that anything D cup and above has less padding and more room.  Does it look like my porn star DD boobs need extra padding?  What the fuck.   They just want somewhere comfortable to hang out.  And by comfortable, I mean they want to look sexy in lace and satin and all that fancy shit.  Does anyone ever notice that most bra companies start making over the shoulder boulder holders after DD?  How come the girls who actually have tits worth mentioning aren’t allowed to dress them up too?  Just take the padding out, maybe thicken the straps a bit and voila.  A sexy bra with room for actual tits in it.  Not rocket science.

Thirdly.  Is it possible to hire a model and have her look good and keep her mouth shut all at the same time?  Is there a way to put that in their contract?  Not allowed to speak during employment or bitch about stupidity after contract has ended?

The reason I’m asking is because of this blurb on this morning.  This fucking model is complaining that she got told she was fat and had to look a certain way and take some inches off your hips blah blah blah.  Ummmm?  Honey?  You’re a fucking Victoria’s Secret model.  You get paid to look the way they want in the outfit they want.  If you don’t want people to comment on your body, don’t be a fucking model.  And by the way, most of us face worse criticism on a daily basis and we don’t make a million dollars in an afternoon.  So fuck you.

And actually, I will gladly strip down to my skivvies, attach some wings, wink at the camera and let every fucking person I walk by make oinking sounds at me for a million bucks.  Everyone has their price.  So suck it up and decide what yours is and please just shut up about how hard done by you are.

And fourthly, I want to address Victoria’s Secret’s supposed “Bright Young Things” teenager line.  As the mother of a daughter, I just want to say not fucking ever will I buy this shit from you.  Teenage girls are sexualized early enough these days without me buying lingerie for them.  When she is 18 she can go out and buy whatever skanky underpants she wants.  As long as she does her own laundry and I don’t have to see them.

Now in the meantime, I’m going to go put on a nursing bra, some maternity gitch and head to my doctor’s appointment.  Where I let someone call me fat for free.