Top Ten Reasons My Kid Is On Team Awesome
1. She’ll eat just about anything. Except for brussel sprouts, because they’re round and she finds that confusing. Rounds things are projectiles, right? She also thinks they taste like shit.
2. She’s not a waster. Yesterday we dropped some popcorn on the floor at the community center. She helped me pick them up and kept right on eating them. She tried to get them out of the garbage, but couldn’t reach. She could solve world hunger.
3. She can sing louder than most adults. And by sing, I mean express her displeasure at something by screeching at the top of her lungs in a cat-Mariah Carey hybrid style. On the bright side, her husband will never have to guess how she feels about something.
4. She’s kind. She even ties to pat bugs. Once bitten, twice shy?
5. Her hair makes it look like I accidentally had a baby with Albert Einstein. Brushing it does no good. One less thing to do every day.
6. She kind of laughs like Eddie Murphy.
7. She is easily distracted with a game of UP/Down or Hello/Goodbye. Keep it simple, right? As in, keep the child simple.
8. She’s afraid of loud noises. Which gives me an effective out when it comes to vaccuming, blowdrying my hair or fixing shit around the house. I’m glad she supports my choices.
9. She is so fucking hilarious that we sometimes wonder if she’s a bit touched. And so awesome that even if she was we probably wouldn’t care or even notice.
10. Yesterday, before climbing on to ride her unicorn, she put it’s horn in her mouth. Porno style. In front of her Daddy. The fact that his heart is still beating tells me she is capable of small miracles.
She’s my favourite miracle. I love that fucking kid so much I could burst in half some days.