The Birth Of My Humanity
by Cookie
I used to always say that one of my most redeeming qualities was that I didn’t really have any feelings. No, really. Not in a sociopathic scary kind of way. In a way that made it easy to know where you stood with me.
Life was way simpler then. I didn’t cry. I didn’t let things get to me. I’d tell you to fuck off and then figure out a way to solve whatever problem was occurring. I was the “give your head a shake and suck it up” person when you cried.
It’s not that I didn’t love other people. It’s not that I didn’t care. I don’t know….I just somehow detached myself emotionally from their bullshit. It’s how I rolled.
And then it happened. I got pregnant. And once I was done panicking about 9 months of sobriety and the fact that I was going to have to take care of another person once it came out, it happened. I took a deep breath and became a mother.
Motherhood hit me like a chronic illness. That’s sounds horrible, doesn’t it? But all of a sudden, I had all these urges and feelings and I cried every single time I watched Oprah. Every time. And it was an adjustment, because I wasn’t used to being overcome by things. I was always in control, and suddenly I had none.
Motherhood evolved me into a complete human being.
And I hate to say that, because it implies that childless people aren’t complete. Not so. I think our lives were complete for a long time, because we said we’d never have children. We felt whole. Until one day we weren’t. You know?
The biggest thing that motherhood did to me was give me empathy. I could feel another parent’s pain when I watched the news. I feel angry alongside strangers when I hear of abuse and neglect and suffering. I can put myself in the shoes of any other parent on the planet and understand them when they say “I did it for my child”. No matter what it is.
Motherhood makes you readjust your perspective on everything as you relearn about the world through your child’s eyes. I have to remember that everything is new to her. I have to explain what everything is and does and says in two year old speak. It gives you back your innocence for a time, I think. Because the answers at this point are simple. And simplicity is refreshing.
And having a child is the most empowering thing I have ever done. Not just the physical birth, but all the afters. Every time I see her be kind to another child or an animal, or figure out how something works, I feel empowered. I think that in that moment, I must be doing something right. Through all the shitty moments where I forget to lead by good example, she must have learned the good stuff from somewhere, right?
So yesterday, for Mother’s Day, we kept it simple. There were flowers and presents for the Moms in our lives. And I am grateful for the guidance and love that these women show us every day. And I know how much they love us, because I know what it is to love a child now. Our child.
But yesterday, in my heart of hearts, I spent time with my twee Destroyer of hearts and all things neat and tidy, and I celebrated her. Because she has turned me into something worthy of her.
I may have birthed her, but she gave me life.
Beautiful post. It brought tears to my eyes. 🙂
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I didn’t grow up in a great family, I look back on my childhood and I don’t have a whole ton of happy memories and what few I have are mainly overshadowed by the bad. I swore to myself that I would give a better life to my kids, I would let them be kids and I would protect them from the things that they shouldn’t have to see or deal with. Becoming a parent made me want to be an even better mother than I had ever thought I wanted to be even before I had them. Being a mom made me an even better person, it made me want to be everything and anything that I could ever be, for them!
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We had twin days yesterday. I burst into tears when I was describing a photograph I had seen about a year ago. Ugh.
And I re-fell in love with the Tornado when we were snuggling before bed.
Life is good.
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I knew I like you for a reason. I am/was the same way! Want to know a secret? Do you know why I never went on to pursue my major? Because to make more money than I was making in Restaurant Management, I had to do the type that made me cater to the rich power struggles.
I didn’t care! I never cared!
I would sit in the internships totally bored while people poured their heart out to me…totally wanting to say, “Toughen up already!”.
But then…oh my wittle man was born…he brought me to life. And maybe some people are complete without kids, but I sure wasn’t. 🙂
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Pfft, you were born complete. You were born Italian. Well, maybe the Canadian part sucked a void that needed some filler. Lol, happy later mom’s day!
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Completely bitchy maybe, lol. Canadian does nothing but enhance a girl, by the way. Do we NEED to talk about my boobs again?
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Lovely post. What hormone was responsible for that? Ha ha. I see my teenagers now and I so enjoy watching them, but boy do they live in the land that is inhabited by just themselves. I think that becoming a mother means you loose that selfishness. If you have one child you come second and so on. It definitely made me a nicer person. And that innate urge to protect and love your child can be quite overwhelming. Just today I looked at my youngest walking towards me from school, with a big smile, and I almost burst!
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Holy Crap this was a beautiful post! So nicely written….and so true! Before I became a mom I ran from all things “lovey” and committed. It scared the crap out of me. Then, I had babies and I couldn’t run anymore. All I could do was love them fearlessly. Scary stuff, but so gratifying. Great post, thanks for sharing:)
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“We felt whole. Until one day we weren’t.” Ah, yes, that is how it happens, isn’t it? Loved this post.
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It really was. All of a sudden I was like, how can I miss out on children of my own?
Thanks. 🙂
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