Birth Plan: To Have a Baby

by Cookie

So I keep hearing about all these pregnant chicks who write out birth plans.  Really?  Like actually write them out and give them to whoever is in charge?


Maybe it just feels like you are in control if you have something down in writing.  A little more official than a firm handshake and the strength of your word.

Trouble is, the people who are actually in charge of your birth:

A.  Don’t give a shit what’s on your paper ( doctors/nurses)

B.  Can’t read yet, and will also be busy trying to navigate his or her way out of your cookie (baby)

C.  Are really high on drugs and or endorphins (you)

The thought of having a birth plan is really, really nice.  But the truth is ladies, you are likely not going to remember or care what you have written down when a tiny human is busy tearing your vagina in half.

But, write it out if you think it will help.  And get yourself a doula, who can read your list and try to help you remember the important stuff while you are busy trying not to black out from the pain in your crotch.

I  am going to make a list of things that probably will happen, that aren’t part of anyone’s birth plan.  Just so you’re prepared:

1.  You are going to use colourful language at some point.  Embrace this opportunity to swear and feel free about it. When the nurses at the nice catholic hospital try to give you shit about swearing, call them each a motherfucker and tell them to get out.

2. You are going to shit yourself at some point.  Why does nobody want to ever acknowledge the “I’m in labour poop”?  You should recognize this as a sign that you are doing a good job.  It’s like the gold star of childbirth.  If you are pushing right, you are pooping.  Embrace the poop, and take a little moment to enjoy the fact that the bitchy nurse who just scolded you for saying fuck as a human slid out of your cookie has to clean it up.

3. Rational thoughts will leave your mind and be replaced by pure animal instinct.  Sounds scary, right?  Nah.  I say follow your instincts.  If they say get in the water, get in the fucking water.  If they say grab on to that tree and push, push.  Let your body decide what it needs.

4.  You will probably decide to divorce your husband at some point. This usually goes away after the baby is out., so don’t sign anything.

5. Someone is going to start talking about your placenta.  Don’t go there.  Pretend you can’t hear them.  Just push the fucking thing out and pretend it never happened.

6.  You will start to believe that the baby has made you broken inside and is possibly coming out of your asshole.  This is not the case.  Don’t ask your husband to check this.

And now, the moment you’ve all be waiting for.  My Birth Plan:

1. Husband?  check.

2. Doula? check.

3. Don’t touch me.

4. Pack the rum.

5. Pack a sandwich.

6. Follow me around in case I change my mind about #3.

7. Are you a medical professional?  Wanting to try some sort of intervention?  See # 3.

8. Are you made out of water?  You can touch me.

9. Have an opinion?  Don’t tell me.

10. See the head?  Catch.

And there you have it.  Now you don’t need to waste your money on a prenatal class.

Good luck, Bitches.