An Uninteresting Post Not About My Vagina

by Cookie

I’m starting to run out of things to write about.  I am all consumed with being pregnant and thinking about all the things that I want to do before I give birth.  And trying to prepare myself for what is going to happen after the birth.  And during the birth.  So what do I do when I feel a sense of impending doom and anxiety?

Well.  Like any good Irishwoman, I usually drink and curse at my husband.  Unfortunately, it’s 7 am, I’m 1001 months pregnant and he’s at work.  So, I guess I’ll calm myself down by making a few lists.  List making is one of my favourite OCD things to do when I’m feeling stressed.   I think its the numeration.  People with OCD like to count, right?  Or is that schizophrenics?

Things to Eat Before I Feel An Overwhelming Need to Diet Post Partum:

1. East Indian Buffet.  I should probably leave this til last, because this is how I got pregnant to begin with.  And just like sex, you get the kid out the same way you get them in.  A little action, a little butter chicken, and BAM!  A new baby.

2. Olive Garden.  or anywhere else that will basically cover everything in Alfredo sauce and bring me another plate.  I want to make sure I get my money’s worth out of my maternity clothes.

3. Pizza from this little family owned Greek restaurant.  They claim the oregano used on their pizza wil induce labour as well.  We ate there A LOT in the last few weeks with Destroyer.

4. Dairy Queen.  Just a couple of more times, I promise.

5. Quarter Ponder With Cheese.  The only time I ever eat McDonalds is when I’m drunk or pregnant.  Disgusting, I know.  But it also helps with the constipation.  Can’t take a shit?  Hit the Drive Thru, I swear.

What to Remember During The Hard Parts of Childbirth:

1. This is the MOST successful weight loss tactic on Earth.  With Destroyer, I lost 22 pounds in 5 days.  Go for the burn, it’ll be worth it!

2.  Now is the moment to blurt out some horribly offensive and inappropriate comment to someone that has been weighing on my chest for a really long time.  Oh. Wait.  I did that on Tuesday.

That’s all I got here, really.

How to Survive in the Weeks Post Partum:

1. Gin

2. Jar of olives

3. Set a price of admission to see the baby.  It usually involves food.  Alternatively, make it clear that ringing the doorbell and leaving a lasagna on my doorstep is perfectly acceptable.

4. Make sure to leave the house once per day without any children.  Or anyone else’s children.  Pretend children don’t exist for a whole ten minutes.  Return home and pull out #1 and 2.

So, hopefully, this kid will be out soon, and I will once again be interesting.  Until then, I have nothing to share but tales of gluttony and misery and vagina talk.  Maybe I’ll go on a diet with Don.  I heard that Jesus makes a great training partner.