An Uninteresting Post Not About My Vagina
by Cookie
I’m starting to run out of things to write about. I am all consumed with being pregnant and thinking about all the things that I want to do before I give birth. And trying to prepare myself for what is going to happen after the birth. And during the birth. So what do I do when I feel a sense of impending doom and anxiety?
Well. Like any good Irishwoman, I usually drink and curse at my husband. Unfortunately, it’s 7 am, I’m 1001 months pregnant and he’s at work. So, I guess I’ll calm myself down by making a few lists. List making is one of my favourite OCD things to do when I’m feeling stressed. I think its the numeration. People with OCD like to count, right? Or is that schizophrenics?
Things to Eat Before I Feel An Overwhelming Need to Diet Post Partum:
1. East Indian Buffet. I should probably leave this til last, because this is how I got pregnant to begin with. And just like sex, you get the kid out the same way you get them in. A little action, a little butter chicken, and BAM! A new baby.
2. Olive Garden. or anywhere else that will basically cover everything in Alfredo sauce and bring me another plate. I want to make sure I get my money’s worth out of my maternity clothes.
3. Pizza from this little family owned Greek restaurant. They claim the oregano used on their pizza wil induce labour as well. We ate there A LOT in the last few weeks with Destroyer.
4. Dairy Queen. Just a couple of more times, I promise.
5. Quarter Ponder With Cheese. The only time I ever eat McDonalds is when I’m drunk or pregnant. Disgusting, I know. But it also helps with the constipation. Can’t take a shit? Hit the Drive Thru, I swear.
What to Remember During The Hard Parts of Childbirth:
1. This is the MOST successful weight loss tactic on Earth. With Destroyer, I lost 22 pounds in 5 days. Go for the burn, it’ll be worth it!
2. Now is the moment to blurt out some horribly offensive and inappropriate comment to someone that has been weighing on my chest for a really long time. Oh. Wait. I did that on Tuesday.
That’s all I got here, really.
How to Survive in the Weeks Post Partum:
1. Gin
2. Jar of olives
3. Set a price of admission to see the baby. It usually involves food. Alternatively, make it clear that ringing the doorbell and leaving a lasagna on my doorstep is perfectly acceptable.
4. Make sure to leave the house once per day without any children. Or anyone else’s children. Pretend children don’t exist for a whole ten minutes. Return home and pull out #1 and 2.
So, hopefully, this kid will be out soon, and I will once again be interesting. Until then, I have nothing to share but tales of gluttony and misery and vagina talk. Maybe I’ll go on a diet with Don. I heard that Jesus makes a great training partner.
Jesus is actually quite a douche when it comes to exercise. I mean we can’t all look how we want by snapping our fingers. Even though he could have a Channing Tatum body, for whatever reason, he likes his Zach Galifianakis build. Still, he makes up for it with a nice tan and “other” enhancements.
I feel as though I’ve been with you throughout this whole 172 month pregnancy of yours. I sure hope your “real” husband will live skype the whole thing for my enjoyment. I assume that I’m the online godfather or something to this kid, right?
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Omg can we be online godparents? That sounds less labor intensive but just as fulfilling as the offline variety.
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You said Channing Tatum. You win. I love him. The End.
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Haha! This really made me chuckle! Love it!
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As a side not, I just edited this post because for some reason my last list came out all weird. I apologize for my lack of proofreading.
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Hey! Olive Garden manicotti sent me into labor with my daughter! And she was two weeks overdue and refused to surrender to being induced not once but TWICE. I was certain I was gonna have to register her for kindergarten in utero because she had decided to take up permanent residence in me. So save the OG hospitaliano for emergencies!
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I think my baby is immune to the labour induction OG can bring….I work there part time and ate there throughout the entire pregnancy.
My last day was back in May, and I think the little guy is going through withdrawals,lol.
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I got a bit of a buzz on your behalf when i read ‘pull #1 and 2 out’. Soon to be mum to two!
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#5 – does that tell you something about the quality of McDonald’s food, that it is shit-inducing?? hahaha And if that doesn’t work, you can always try Long John Silvers because that’s sure to get everything flowing again! lol
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There may not be any real nutritional value to it, but it sure makes a great laxative!
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Very funny! thanks for making me smile!!
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