Top Ten Reasons Hockey Is Lame

by Cookie

Did everybody watch Game 1 of the Stanley Cup playoffs last night?

Ugh.  You probably did.  Losers.

I am so sick of hockey.  I am possibly even more tired of hockey than I am of being pregnant.  So you can guess how much I dislike the sport.

Do you want to know why I hate hockey?  Because it’s fucking retarded, that’s why.

1.  It’s JUNE.  Why the hell are we still watching these douchebags skate on ice when it’s summer outside?  Can we please get a reasonable length to the season?  Seriously.

2. Don Cherry is pretty much right about everything, and yet he still is not Prime Minister of Canada.  He is the best part of Hockey Night in Canada.

3. It’s dinnertime, we just barbequed, and we have company for dinner.  And now the fucking tv is on in the dining room.  I hate everything about this.  Everywhere I go in the house, there is a tv on with hockey on it and not enough people to watch it.  I can’t escape the sound.  Or the sight.  It’s everywhere.

4.  Why the fuck is there a camera in the locker room before the game while the coach is trying to motivate and inspire his players?  What total and utter bullshit.  Let those athletes get into the zone, focus and find their team spirit.  It’s not competitive sport anymore, it’s glorified reality television.

5.  Even the NFL season lasts only 5 months, and it’s way awesomer.

6.  Why does there have to be 1000 games every week?  This fucking sport dominates the tv every goddamn night of my life.  Each game can’t possibly be that exciting or important if there’s one on every night.

7.  Mouthguards.  Buy them. Wear them.  Keep your teeth intact.  Who wants to make out with a guy with no teeth?  How come you don’t see all these football players without teeth, but the hockey guys walk around looking like they just stepped out of Duck Dynasty but with a nicer suit?

8.  Can someone please spell the name on the back of your jersey the way it’s pronounced?  And possibly leave out a few of the unnecessary consonants?

9. Fighting in hockey is lame.  You’re not allowed to do that in any other sport.  What if after every pitch that the batter doesn’t like, he gets to come over and punch the pitcher in the face?  Wouldn’t that be cool?  NO.  And it’s stupid in hockey as well.

10. PJ Stock.  I used to think he was all kinds of sexy with that scar on his chin and his pointy little teeth.  Then he did the adult diaper commercial with that figure skater chick, and I cannot look at him the same.  Could you imagine Ray Lewis doing a Depends commercial?  Yeah, didn’t think so.  Cause football players aren’t losers.

Here’s hoping that this series of games comes to a quick end.