No Wild Raspberries For My Uterus

by Cookie

For the record, I didn’t have a baby over the weekend.  I really, really wanted to, because this whole pregnancy thing is starting to get ridiculous.

So what’s my problem?

Part of my problem is that I am totally a hypochondriac.  I am a hypochondriac to the point that even when something is feeling off, I am afraid to take something for it for fear that there will be adverse reactions.

And it’s not just because I’m into the crazy sauce, you know.  I don’t have a very good tolerance to drugs.  Two thirds of the available antibiotics give me hives/swelling/anaphylaxis.  Morphine produces projectile vomit, same with codeine.  Any kind of cold medication with pseudoephedrine in it makes me feel like I did a few lines of coke and washed it down with 10 pots of coffee.

So yeah.  I’m pretty much a suck it up princess kind of woman.  Which made me a shitty friend yesterday.

Bestie was coming over for Sunday dinner as she always does, and she was super excited to tell me that she had a present for me.  OOOOH!  Presents!  She had some raspberry leaves to make tea with.  To help my uterus feel happy and compliant and ready to shoot out a baby.

I thought that was really nice.  Until she told me she picked them out of the wild.

Oh dear sweet Jesus.  Something wild?  Who are you exactly?  Fucking Katniss Everdeen?  Did you shoot me a couple of squirrels with your bow, too?   Oh my God.  How can you expect me to drink your poisoned uterus tea now?  I mean, I eat the fish I catch at the lake and all, but they come out of the water.  Nothing poisonous in the water, right?

Then I felt really, really bad, because she crashed through mosquito infested parkland in search of wild raspberry bushes for my uterus.  She worked up a sweat, people.  And I rejected her efforts.  Crazy.Fucking.Pregnant. Bitch.

The my other friend who was pregnant texted me to say she was going to take some castor oil and have her baby.

And you what?  It bloody well worked.

So now of course Husband is right up my ass to take some too.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Little Buddy has apparently set up shop on top of my pelvic bone instead of settling into my pelvis to get ready for the journey to personhood.  Which means he’s not ready.  Which means you know what castor oil will do?  It will give me the pleasure of explosive diarrhea for a couple of days.  I already spend enough time in the bathroom, thank you very fucking much.  And despite the amazing deal I found on toilet paper over the weekend, I’m in no hurry to go through it that quickly.

My solution for everything is tea tree oil.  I feel comfortable with it.  it stinks, but it doesn’t make me feel weird.  I pour it on everything and it seems to work.  I wonder if I put some in bath water if he’ll just slide right out, no labour or anything.  That shit is THAT good. I’ll try it today and get back to you.

Most of the time I just drink some rum and go to bed. Just a couple more weeks max, right?

If I ever deliver this baby, that is.