A Change of Heart

by Cookie

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Do you hear that?  Neither do I.  Because it’s the sound of both children napping at the same time.

So here I am, one week post partum.  27 pounds lighter.  Can you believe that?  If you needed to know just how much water I was carrying around.

And in the past week, I have had to swallow my pride and admit that my son has changed the parent I thought I was.  Because there are no rules, except the one that says you do what is necessary for your child at the time as you see fit because you love them more than life itself.

I have had to change my mind about a couple of things I swore I would never do.  Little Buddy had to spend a little time in the NICU after birth.  And then we both spent a few days in hospital after that.  He’s okay now, but last week was stressful and exhausting.  He had some breathing troubles, his sugar crashed after birth and then there was jaundice.

Anyway, in all of this, the best medicine for him was contact with me.  Skin to skin.  Lots of snuggling.  And the dreaded co-sleeping that always terrified me.  So on his one week birthday, he is still sleeping with me, and I have to admit that I really like it.  There is nothing sweeter than waking up to his little face.  Nothing.

Then there was the whole cut versus uncut debate.  I swore up and down that we would circumcise him.  We booked the appointment.  And then, in the hospital while changing his diaper and looking down at his little armadillo, I just couldn’t bear the thought of it.  I could not even start to think about putting him through anything else in such a short period of time.  He just looked so perfect, and I no longer felt the need to change him.  So today, I cancelled his appointment.

What the fuck is happening to me?

You know, I haven’t even been able to drink.  I keep trying, but my body just won’t accept it.

One day I think I’ll get back to myself, but for right now, I hope I’m not just plain and simple crazy.  They say love does funny things to you.

It sure does.

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