Week 3 And We’re All Still Breathing

by Cookie



Sometimes I read the shit that women write on various mommy pages and message boards and just shake my head.  I mean, I guess it’s nice to have a forum and group of gals to ask questions and get support from, but I’m just surprised at the anal retentiveness that is out there.

Ok. Maybe anal retentiveness isn’t nice to say, because we all have our ideals and beliefs and truly do what we think is best for our child.  Maybe I’m just feeling resentful towards all the first time mommies out there who have the time and energy to worry about a nice way to tell a stranger not to fucking touch their baby.  (How about “please don’t fucking touch my newborn with your germ ridden hands” ?)  Or who can run around and get the latest organic this or that.  Or who remember to brush their teeth every single day.

Don’t get me wrong.  The first time around has its challenges.  Mostly because everything is new and scary and you just want to make sure you keep the child alive the entire day.

But the second time?  Motherfucker.  It’s a whole new level of tired and crazy. Because you have to keep two alive.  And the bigger one can talk a bit and be annoying and run away.  At least the newborn stays where I put him, as long as the bigger one doesn’t drag him across the room and shove him in the bottom drawer of his dresser like she does with all the rest of his shit.

Here is my checklist of things I try to keep on top of during the day:

1. Nobody is crying or screaming, but everyone is breathing.

2. That wet spot on the bed/chair/couch is just from a dripping sippy cup, right?

2.1 When did I change the big one’s diaper?  Yesterday?  Sniff check the wet spot on the couch.

3. No more scrubbing bottle nipples.  Rinse out the chunks and convince myself that boiling them will take care of the rest.

4. Keep an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine or some bullshit on the IPad loaded at all times.

5. Both children sleeping.  Should I take a shower or a shit?

6. We still have three dogs?  Did we feed them this week?

7. Gas prevention and coping.  First time mommies take note.

8. A laundry pile that never shrinks.

9. What did the toddler just pick up off the ground and eat?  Was it dog shit? No? Ok.

10. Wipe off all visible signs of baby spit up off my clothes.  Worry about the smell later.  See #8.

A giant kudos to all single moms out there.  My husband is a huge help, but works 12 hour shifts.  Let me tell you about how long those days feel.

And then ask me how much I care if the cloth in his clothes is organic and or if I’m worried about being nice to rude strangers.

Cause I’m so not.  Please pass the wine.