Babies Are Jerks, But Sorta Awesome

by Cookie

I am going to share with you some very important information about having children.  Something my very wise friend told me that I didn’t want to believe.

Babies are jerks.  I love them, but they are jerks.

And I don’t think they mean to be, but little people really are total assholes sometimes.

Two days ago a couple of my girlfriends brought their toddlers over to play ( notice I DID NOT say playdate, and that my spell checker is telling me that it is not a word, because it isn’t) and we thought it would be a really lovely morning.  Think again.  I would estimate that the three little 3 Footers cried about 75% of the time they were in each other’s company.  Over nothing. Over everything.  Over fucking reacting, much?

It didn’t matter what was available to play with, they always wanted what the other had.  They would each grab on, and despite our parental protest, proceed to beat the living shit out of one another until one of us broke it up.  Sometimes, one would just sit one the other.  Other times, one would just sit in a chair and cry.  Other times, one would scream MINE! no matter what item was being touched.

Yup.  Little people are assholes sometimes.

And then there are the tiny people.  The ones who can’t even sit up on their own yet, but can smell when dinner comes out of the oven or sense that your coffee is still hot.  Oh no you won’t, Mommy.  Because I’m in charge of this shit-show now, and there will be no eating or drinking anything at a temperature other than “room”.

Or, I’ll trick you into thinking that I am perfectly on schedule.  No fussing, no gas.   Then it will be bedtime, and just when you think you can taste the wine, I will get some gas trapped somewhere and scream for a couple of hours.  Because there will be no relaxed, wine induced slumber, bitches.  It will be fall on your face, did I remember to go pee before bed, totally exhausted sleep over here.  Just to make you appreciate how adorable I am.

I’m pretty glad that I still have my sense of humor through all of this.

Maybe it’s cause he made up for it by only waking up once in the night to feed.  Thanks, Buddy, that was a real treat.  All is forgiven.

Why is it that all is forgiven with a gummy smile and an extra couple hours of sleep?

Cause babies are also awesome, somehow.

So.  Should we get started on Number 3, or what? Husband?  Husband?