Go Away. I Will Eat You Tomorrow.

by Cookie

You know what I hate?  People who are trying to sell me something.  Or convince me of something.  Or guilt me into to something.  Or who want me to support their cause.

Guess what, assholes of the universe?  I don’t want to buy your crap.  I don’t want to support your team if you’re a stranger.  And by the way, I have my own fucking cause to support right now.  It’s called two children under the age of two who need to nap.  And when you ring my doorbell trying to get me to support your cause, it sends the dogs into a frenzy and wakes up my children.

AND guess what your chances are of getting my money now?  They used to be 0%.  Now you’re at minus 1000%.  Try digging yourself out of that hole, Dicksmack.

Seriously.  Are we in the 1950’s still?  Do people actually go door to door to peddle their shit?  Why don’t you go on Dragon’s Den or get an infomercial like everyone else out there, and leave me alone?

Furthermore, I have not one, but, TWO signs on my door saying “No solicitors, agents, or peddlers” and “no unsolicited flyers”.  Why is it that every single person trying to get my money thinks these signs apply to everyone except for them.

Because you know what?  It’s not that your charitable organization isn’t worthy.  It’s not because I’m a scrooged out old bag who can’t part with her money.  I support plenty of fundraisers and make plenty of donations whether it be items or money.  The signs mean that I don’t want a stranger ringing my bell and waking up my babies that finally went to sleep after they have been driving me up the goddamn wall all morning.  It’s about me having one small window during the day where both of my children are momentarily satisfied enough with life to leave me alone long enough to have a sandwich and read a book.  It’s about you disturbing my peace.

So pardon me for asking you to go away or telling you to go fuck yourself if I’m feeling overly irritated. Which will happen when you don’t accept the word “no”, by the way. I don’t think I need to be nice to you when you have clearly disregarded my wish to be left alone.  I’m sorry if I offended you or if you think I’m a bitch.  But you earned it.

I think I’m going to change the sign on my door:

“Babies sleeping.  Ringing this bell will trigger the trap door which lets my guard dog out to chomp on your balls.”

and

“Go Away. I will eat you tomorrow.”  (thank you Paper Bag Princess for this lovely phrase..)

I wonder if people would get it then?

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