Anyone Know Where I Can Get A Tapeworm?

by Cookie

So yeah.   This chick in Iowa swallowed a fucking tapeworm to lose weight.  What a moron, right?

I don’t know.  People use various methods all the time to lose weight without having to work at it.  The diet industry is a multi-billion dollar entity, is it not?

Think of all the gimmicks out there. From Slim-Fast to Jenny Craig.  All the exercise tapes….  Jane Fonda, Tony Little, Richard Simmons, Zumba.  Everyone promises the best results with the least amount of effort.

But here’s the thing.  In this world of instant gratification, we seem to be so determined to never ever dig in and put real effort into anything anymore.  Including our health.  And trust me when I tell you this:  As someone who’s had to struggle and fight and manage and watch the scale go up and down for her entire life, there just is no effortless answer.  There just isn’t.

I’ve tried a lot of things.  In high school I starved.  Effective, but really really shitty. As an adult, I’ve done Atkins a few times.  Also shitty, it works for a time and then you get so fucking fed up that you give up.  I’d probably consider a tapeworm too, just to not have to work so damn hard and be accountable for my choices.

And that’s what it comes down to, isn’t it?  No one wants to be accountable for anything anymore.  They always want someone else to fix it for them.  Find a magic cure.

I’d love a little bit of that right now.  I’m finding the baby weight slower to come off this time.  I mean, all the water etc is gone, but now I’m down to the nitty gritty business of dealing with the real weight.  And it sucks, because now I have to pay attention.  I have to make good choices.

My God.  I might have to fucking exercise.

That tapeworm is starting to look a little more tempting.

I think my problem is that the types of exercise I actually enjoy are inconvenient.  I like to ride horse. I like to paddle kayaks. I like to swim.  I like to hike.  Hard to do in the city, without a horse or a boat or a hill.

How much does a tapeworm cost?  And how bad are the headaches? Would an Advil take care of the discomfort?

See?  I’m making excuses.  Because I don’t want to engage in the behaviors I know are the behaviors that need to happen to reach my goal.  Eat less.  Eat better. Move more.

I wonder if the tapeworm actually works?  How long do I have to keep it in?

I guess I should stop being ridiculous and realize that this woman on the news has ruined my chances of acquiring a tapeworm now anyway, and lace up my running shoes.

That bitch.