11 Things To Tell Your Daughter So She Doesn’t Become An Asshole

by Cookie



I recently read an article on msn.com that was a list of 20 things I should tell my daughter before she’s 20, or some such bullshit.  There are plenty of similar articles out there, so I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and give you my list of things your daughter needs to know before she’s 18.

11  Things To Tell Your Daughter So She Doesn’t Become An Asshole:

1.  “Don’t be an asshole.”

Seems obvious, doesn’t it?  But seriously, I think it’s easier to just get to the point sometimes.  I’ve discovered that the more words and explanations I use, the more words and explanations are wasted.  When you’re trying to explain for her to be a good girl, blah blah blah, what you really mean is “don’t be an asshole”.  Just say what you mean.

2. “If you really like him, never ever put out on the first date.”

No one wants to think about their daughter having sex one day, but unfortunately, it IS going to happen at some point.  I want her to be in charge of her relationships.  And putting out on the first date makes you vulnerable.  Unless, of course, she’s just using him.  Then the advice becomes “always use a rubber.”

3. “Never wear low cut and short together.”

Low cut on top is fine with a skirt knee length or longer or pants.  Short skirts are fine if you’re covering up the girls on top.  It’s all about balance, and there is a huge difference between slutty and sexy.  Know where that line is.  Sexy is useful to you.  Slutty makes you usable to him.

4.  “Take care of your body because you love yourself.”

Don’t exercise and eat well because you hate the way you look.  Do it because it makes you strong.   Do it so that when someone calls you fat or ugly ( and people are assholes, so someone will one day) you can kick their ass. For reals.

5. “Learn the phrase feminine emergency.

Having your period sucks, but it does have its advantages.  If you ever need to get out of class, or work, and your boss/teacher is male, tell them you have cramps or a feminine emergency.  It makes them all twitchy and uncomfortable, and you’ll be sprung before you can say “I’m outta here.”

6. “Be smart, but know when to play dumb.”

Do your research.  Make sure you have information on every topic and issue that pertains to your life.  From health questions to car troubles.  But know how to play dumb, so you don’t have to do the nasty jobs.  Unless, of course you want to.  Then be the biggest ball buster you can be.

7.  “Become a real sports fan.”

Not just a pretend one, because it’s cool or you want to impress some jackass.  Understand the game.  Love the game.  Appreciate the game.  It’s a safe conversation starter in any social setting, and if you know what you’re talking about, it makes you memorable.

8.  “Be memorable.”

Have a quality that people admire about you and remember you for.  Make sure you live up to your reputation.

9.  “If you don’t have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?”

Ok.  So this is actually a quote by John Wooden, legendary basketball coach.  But seriously.  This is not about making mistakes, mistakes are great because they help us learn.  This is about taking shortcuts and doing things half assed.   Don’t do it half assed.   Don’t be lazy. Take the time to go all the way and do things right.  Hard work will get you everywhere.

10. “When you’re wrong, say you’re wrong.”

It’s awesome to be right.  And assuming you’re not an asshole, you’ll be right a lot.  But when you realize you’ve made a mistake, or done something wrong, admit it.  It’s braver than being the douchebag who sticks to their guns when the truth is staring them in the face.

11. “No man will ever love you as much as your dad does.”

I don’t care what kind of car some guy drives or how cute he is or what he does for a living.  His love can’t compete.  remember that when Daddy’s sitting on the porch with a loaded weapon.


Ask me how this goes in another 15 years or so.