Boys Have Penises, And Girls Have Ducks.

by Cookie

Sweet Jesus.

Yesterday I had to have my first “boys have penises, girls have vaginas” talk.  I am utterly traumatized.  It actually started out as peepers and boxes, but then I found my big girl panties, swallowed the giant lump in my throat and used real words.

I wanted to throw up.  There is something about having to say vagina out loud that is extremely horrifying.  But I did it, Bitches.  I choked out the words.

So this is how it all went down.  Although Buddy can’t quite sit up on his own, Destroyer LOVES it when we put him in the bathtub with her.  We just put him in that little insert thingy from his infant tub.  She splashes.  He laughs.  She laughs.  We all laugh.  It’s super fun, and even way cuter than you’re imagining it to be.

So yesterday, Buddy and Destroyer and hanging out in their tub when she stops in mid splash, grabs his peeper like he’s got a bug on him or something, and I think tries to fucking pull it off of him.

what’s THAT?”

“That’s Buddy’s.  Leave it alone!”

She frantically looks down at her own girl bits, wondering why his stick out and hers do not.

what IS that?”

I sigh, and try to explain girl parts and boy parts.

“That’s Buddy’s penis.”

She looks down again.

“You don’t have a penis.  Boys have penises. Girls have vaginas.”

This is totally, totally, why I drink.

She looks at herself one more time, and says:

“No.  That’s my duck.”

Seriously, Bitches?  Why does my child think her girl bits are called a duck?

There is Bailey’s in my coffee right fucking now.

Happy Tuesday.