Torture for all Parents Who Thought They had it All Figured Out

by Cookie

We’ve been having a tough couple of weeks, me and Buddy.  My tiny bestie is driving us a little crazy at night.  I am near the point of delirium and not sure how much longer I can sleep this poorly and still speak in complete sentences.

With any luck, maybe I’ll get fired and then find a job where communication isn’t a necessary skill.

Anyway, parenting these days has a lot of fancy fucking terms.  “Wonder Week 19”, “4 Month Sleep Regression”, etc etc.  I actually don’t give a shit what you call it.  It doesn’t matter.  I just want it to go away.  I want to hear the term “5 Months Old is the Bestest, Easiest, Most Blissful Sleep Time For Every Baby And It Lasts Forever”.


That’s a thing, right?

My Buddy has been sleeping through the night since he was about 7 weeks old.  Like, 12 hours at a time.  I would put him down around 8:30, and not hear from him again until the next morning unless he got a little gas bubble trapped.  A couple of taps on the back, and right back to bed.

Until last week.  First it was teeth.  Now it just blows.

Sometimes it takes 3 hours to put him to bed.  I want to die.

So you know what I started doing?

I started fucking co-sleeping again.

Pardon me, because I am the biggest hypocrite asshole person to ever live.  First the non-circumcision, now the co-sleeping.  Someone call Dr. Sears.

Seriously though, I keep thinking of the best parenting advice I ever got, and it reassures me a little.  “Do what works.  Don’t do what doesn’t work”  ( Thanks Ken.)

And you know what doesn’t work?  Everything else.  I don’t even care, he can sleep in bed with me until he’s 14 for all I give a shit.  Because otherwise I am a recipe for crazysauce.

In other news, I know that once he gets past this, he will have gone through a hugely developmental stage, and I’m seeing all of those things happen daily.  But in the meantime, fuck my life.

Someone should rename it “Torture for all Parents Who Thought They had it All Figured Out.”  Because that’s what it feels like.

In the meantime, I’m going to insert an IV to directly caffeinate myself.  Oral doses no longer work.