Performance Anxiety
by Cookie
I’m going to tell you a little secret.
I’m a musician who hates performing. Just call me Barbra Streisand. But God help me I do.
Last year, when I sang in this competition that I didn’t have a hope of winning at about 1000 months pregnant was the last time I actually enjoyed myself on stage. Because I didn’t give a shit what people thought, and was able to let go of the anxiety and stress that usually accompanies the performance. It was awesome.
I know what you’re thinking. What the hell? MOI? Afraid of what people think? Not usually, right?
But when it comes to having to step up in front of my colleagues, it gets really bad. This is when it’s the worst. Not because I’m necessarily concerned about performing these easy pieces, but because I’m afraid of not doing a good job for my students. Of someone thinking that maybe I don’t know what I’m doing after all. And thanks to this mental distraction, I usually manage to screw at least something up every time. People can judge my playing all they want, but I am fiercely protective of my skills as a teacher, and I don’t want someone to think that because I’m not a symphony caliber musician ( which I totally am not, nor ever will be) that I am less a teacher. Is that weird?
It bothers me a lot, because I really like what I do. I love teaching. But I am one of those rare musicians who would rather hide in the four walls of their teaching studio and let their students be in the spotlight.
How noble, right?
A little, but mostly because I don’t trust myself enough to not fuck it up.
Yesterday we had the dress rehearsal for our program’s concert this weekend. And right before my turn to lead, one of my strings pops out so bad that my peg goes flying. Just in time to make me feel like a total douchebag. Then I have to try and restring and retune and get up there in time to play this easy song with a thousand fucking notes to remember and all I can think of is “ugh everyone is watching me and I feel like a loser”. And of course the string doesn’t hold its tune so I’m trying to compensate for my stupid string being flat. Easily the worst moment of my day, crying, clingy, non-sleeping baby notwithstanding.
Fuck. My.Life.
And the funniest thing is, in the classroom, I feel relaxed and happy and confident. NO questions about who’s running that show.
But out there on the stage?
I want to throw up.
Every.Single.Time.
Anyway. Glad to get that skeleton out of my closet. Taking suggestions that don’t include alcohol or sedatives. I need to be able to coordinate my left and right hands don’t forget.
Also, no picturing the audience naked. These are children, for God’s sake!
Oh dear, the stress!! I feel for you. I knew people who swam with me who were so good in training but never raced well. Nerves. I’m sure you don’t mess up as much as you think you do, or at least I hope not. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.
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I have no suggestions! Just take a deep breath and know that I think you’re awesome…I know that won’t help, but at least you’ll know that I think you’re awesome. Because I think you’re awesome.
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A personal story about perspective that may or may not help: Long ago, when I was a young fellow and trying my hand at graduate school, there were some professors who got a kick out of intimidating their students. Most of my peers fell right into it. I did not. Was it because I was more clever than they were? Not at all. It was 100% due to the fact that I had just witnessed my mom lose her battle with an ugly disease. I had looked real pain in the face, and there was nothing those ivory tower pinheads could do to hurt me. They were going to make me cry by belittling my class comments? Not a chance in hell. I never went into class afraid of what might happen there, and I never came out feeling bad about myself.
So, if you make a mistake, and they learn that you are only human, ask yourself, is this the worst thing that could have happened to me today?
This is the longest comment I’ve ever posted anywhere, and now I feel like a comment hog. But I WILL get over it.
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That is the most helpful thing I’ve heard. Perspective is everything. YOu’re so right.!
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A psych friend said to me recently to think of it like this: no one wants you to fail. They are out there excited for you and cheering you on. They believe in you. They are on your team. When have you ever sat in an audience and thought “oh I hope she fucks it up”. Doesn’t happen.
And I actually thought that was really good advice.
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That’s what i tell my students. It’s actually less about the audience and more about my peers.
Too bad I can’t follow my own advice, huh?
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Lol YUP! But it’s always the way….
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