Hooked On Phonics Didn’t Work For Us, And The Results Were Awesome

by Cookie

Remember when the Destroyer never used to talk?  And we were so worried that maybe she was “touched” in some way?  Or just pretty?  ( Which really wouldn’t be sooo bad, because pretty goes a long way for a long time, right?)

You ALL said “just wait until she does….she’ll start , and then she’ll never shut up and you’ll wish you could go back.”

Well, you are all half right.

We didn’t get Hooked on Phonics or any bullshit. We went to see a speech therapist for about half a minute to get a diagnosis of “stubborn”.  And then….

She started talking all of a sudden.  She went from pretty much nothing to full on sentences in about a week.  NO joking.  She also never shuts up.  The part where you were wrong is where I wish she wasn’t talking, because between the absolute bullshit stories that she makes up and the words she tries to say that come out fucked up, well I’m telling you.

It’s better than smoking a joint and watching fat people trying to waddle walk on ice.

So she tells a few lies here and there.  Mostly because she wants me to give her a bandaid.  I’m not sure if she’s a mini hypochondriac or if she wants to be a doctor (please,please!) or if she just thinks bandaids are super fucking cool, but she will do almost anything for a bandaid.

“Gago’s (our neighbour) dee (bird) ate my toe.”

First of all, you’re lying.  Your toe is still fucking attached to your foot.  Second, you haven’t been to Gago’s in a week. Third, you’re not bleeding.

“Daddy hit me in the eye and I cried.”

First of all, you’re fucking lying again.  Second, there is no blood, not even a bruise.  Third, you probably deserved it because toddlers are little shits sometimes ( this is a joke,crazy parenting freak out there, relax) and fourth, you can’t put a bandaid on your eye anyway. try something else.

If these yarns don’t work, she’ll eventually give up and pitch a huge fit until you attach a bandaid somewhere.  See where the talking is better?

But my absolute favourite, is that she has trouble with the following letter combination:  UCK

Great, you must be thinking.  She will have trouble saying “fuck”.  And for any child living in this house, that is a real and present danger.

But Bitches, it’s so much better than that.

Because this is what happens:

Which duck is that? ( blue duck)   “blue cock”

Did you play with Buddy’s dump truck today?

“yeah.  I played with Buddy’s dumb cock.”

Is there a dump truck outside?

Calling down to the basement: “Yeah!  Daddy your dumb cock is outside!”

Daddy:  “Did she just call me a dumb fuck?”

Possibly.  I’m not sure which is funnier.  But I love the shit out of having kids right now.

So no, Bitches.  I don’t want her to shut up.  Because she is almost as funny as me.

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