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Month: May, 2014

A Bullshit Post About Nothing



You know when you can sniff a shitty day right out of the gate?

My Spidey senses are tingling, Bitches.  I was up three times with a teething Buddy between 12:30 and 6:45, and then he would sleep no more.  And then the Destroyer decides to get up at 7:15, a full 2 hours before she usually shows her pretty little curly head.

Now everyone’s whiny and tired, but Oh No won’t go back to sleep.  I’m trying to cook a ham so I don’t have to hang out in the kitchen for the next three days.  One of the dogs shit on the floor. I have a goose-egg where Buddy head butted my in the middle of the night, and instead of spending some glorious alone time with my coffee, I am refereeing 3 retarded dogs versus the pinching hands of an infant to the wonderful sound of The Cat in The Goddamn Hat.

So you see, this post is about nothing.  I hate Wednesday because sleep deprivation.

Oh, and the toddler wants to go shopping. And to McDonalds.  And outside. And it’s 7:30.

So, I’m fairly certain today will be all about tantrum management.

And that I will be extremely happy, and yet apologetic to Grandma when she gets here to babysit later.

Here goes nothing.


Discipline How To: Just Kidding, I Have NO Idea

Let’s talk about discipline, Bitches.

How were you disciplined as a child?  What worked?  What didn’t?

We are at that age with the Destroyer where she can act like a little bit of a tyrannical jerk sometimes.  l love her so, so much, but being almost three is hard work for both of us.  There are a lot of feelings and thoughts going on in her mind that I’m sure feel overwhelming.  And just a little fuel like being over-tired or hungry or not getting her own goddamn way at any one second can result in a huge meltdown.

But my question remains:  How do you discipline a not quite three year old?

The “experts” all agree.  Spanking doesn’t work.

Or does it?

Have these experts ever lived through toddler-hood?  Do they know what a toddler is capable of?

They all want to talk about everything.  Give a time out. Get their attention in a nonviolent way because this word is so violent already.

I think I call bullshit.  I think nobody really knows, but the letters after their names make them REALLY good at pretending they do.

Dr. Elizabeth Gershoff  says that “Discipline is teaching, spanking is punishment”.  I agree, but sometimes punishment is teaching.  In the adult world, there are consequences for your actions. And they are very often things we aren’t going to like very much that make us feel like shit.  Kids need to understand that bad behavior results in bad results.

And yes, I realize that no one is getting a spanking in the adult world, but a two or three year old can’t see the future.  That’s why they are so hard to reason with, because they don’t have the gift of foresight.  They need an immediate reaction so that they can make a connection.  They need something to correct the current behavior so that you can talk about how to make a better choice.

“Hitting, unfortunately, is one way to get a child’s attention, but there are lots of other ways.” Speaking in a stern tone of voice or touching a child on the arm are nonviolent alternatives for getting a child’s attention”

Have you ever tried to get the attention of a freaking out two year old by touching their arm gently?

Give me a fucking break.

Now let’s talk about “time outs”.  This is one of those modern day parent terms that bug the shit out of me.  When my toddler is freaking the hell out because everything, I don’t threaten this.  I don’t make an announcement.  I just take her little hand and march her into her room until she can calm the fuck down and stop acting like a psychopath.  It’s not discipline.  It’s not punishment.  She has 50 million toys and books up there. It’s a break to distract her from the current meltdown, and it gives me a few minutes to catch my breath and avoid the call to the gypsies.

How about taking away privileges?

She’s 2 going on 3.  She doesn’t have any privileges.  And she doesn’t really care if her current behavior affects the future because she can’t see that far ahead.  Hopefully in another year or two, this will be an effective tactic.

So you know what works the best?  Distraction.  Not letting her get to that point and giving her choices at every turn.  No open ended questions. Specific, A or B questions, like:  Do you like waffles or pancakes?

Do you want to wear shorts or a dress?

Distract distract distract.

I honestly think that the reason no expert can agree on anything is because there is no universal way to discipline a toddler.

But I do wonder this: If spanking promotes aggressive, violent, and abusive behavior,  why is it that we see such an increase in these things in this day and age when most parents don’t believe in spanking?

Why is it that if spanking and punishing your child when they misbehave causes mental illness, and yet parents talk more and punish less, we see much more anxiety and such now?

I’ll give you my theory, then I’ll give you the floor:

Children need to know who is in charge.  And although it makes me feel like total shit the second I give that little human a spank on the bum, she knows that I am in the driver’s seat.

Even though kids constantly push boundaries and try to find ways to be in control, the bottom line is that if you let them be in charge, they don’t feel safe.  And when a child doesn’t feel safe, they get anxious and act like assholes.  And if this is established in early childhood, you got big problems headed your way.

Being an effective parent doesn’t mean that you spank your kids every day and it is the only method of discipline.  But I still believe that it has to be in your arsenal of tools.  Among them, so that the child understands limits and that when you push too far those limits get broken open and there are consequences.

All right, Bitches.  Thoughts?  Secret confessions?  The answer to all things discipline?




10 Thoughts About Titties

Today’s inspiration comes to you via my friend Megan.  She delighted me with this article about titties over the weekend, and was eager to hear my opinion about it.

Blog-worthy?  Absolutely.

Here’s the 2 second summary:  Some asshole did a 15  year study on whether or not bras were useful. 15 years. And her conclusion was that bras are useless.  They makes our titties sag, and promote stretch marks, but it’s too late now.  Once you start wearing a bra, you’re doomed and can’t ever get nice perky titties again.  If we all just would have gone braless to begin with we’d all have super up-pointing, flawless boobs that are supported by our super tittie muscles.


1. We have children starving and women being raped and wars and word financial meltdowns, and we have to spend our time and money on a 15 year study about whether or not my bra is doing its goddamn job?  Are you fucking kidding me?

2. Has the author of this study and all the magnificent braless titties out there ever seen a National Geographic magazine?  I rest my case.

3. As the proud owner of a set of fabulous DD’s, I can assure you that my intention of wearing a bra does not come from hoping it will make them perkier in the long run.  It comes from not being a fan of walking around with two black eyes all the time. And those bitches are heavy.

4. After I started watching The Walking Dead, I started wearing a sports bra to bed, so that when the shit hits the fan (and you know it’s going to happen in the middle of the night) I can make a run for it.  Running with no bra?  Not since I was 10.

5. Any hope any woman has of keeping her titties pointing in the right direction is likely not planning to breastfeed.  It’s almost like when the milk is gone, the titties are tired, and just never come back to life.

6. To the woman who tried running with no bra and wanted to tell us how wonderful it was: You’re an asshole too. And a liar.  Or a man with bitch-tits, which doesn’t count by the way.

7. There is a reason that the men were the ones to go out hunting in ancient civilizations.  No one wants to be running from a saber-toothed tiger with your giant knockers swinging around.  It’s evolutionary.Woman don’t run because boobs.

8.  I’m pretty sure that Victoria’s Secret doesn’t give a shit about your “bras are useless” article.  Because some bras aren’t for holding up boulders.  Some bras are for getting laid.

9. I go braless sometimes with the right dress.  When I’m wearing 3 inch heels that means no running of any kind is in the near future.

10. Bras are for making our boobs look nice while we’re wearing them.  If you want nice boobs while wearing no bra I have two words:  plastic surgeon.


The End.

I Forgot



Bitches, it’s been a long week.  You may have noticed my absence this week ( or maybe not), because I almost died from exhaustion several times.

Husband has been working the night shift and it’s been a rough go.  A teething Buddy has meant no sleep for this tired Bitch, and the Destroyer has dug deep to find my last nerve and jump on it repeatedly. Over and over and over until my will to live felt so weak I began to fantasize about a life like Tom Hanks had in “Castaway”.  With no one to talk to, except a basketball and figments of my imagination.


But maybe not.

I have come to accept the fact that I will most likely not have any more children.  Because I want the best of me for them, and a strung out, overworked me is not my best.  I want them to explore different after school activities without sacrificing just regular family down time together.  I want to able to afford to buy them that toy in the store and when I  say no it’s because they honestly don’t need it and not because it’s not in the budget.

And the idea of doing this again after age 40 makes me want to cry.

So while snuggling my Buddy to sleep the other night, after coming to the realization that he will be my baby forever, I felt really sad.

I felt really sad because I wasted this whole week being frustrated and angry and tired and bitchy.  I complained because my toddler was being an asshole.  (which she was, by the way).  But I had forgotten that I will never ever get today back, and I can’t guarantee tomorrow.

I forgot about all the moms out there that don’t get to hold their babies anymore and wondered what they must think about my bitching.

I forgot that her job is to be an asshole, and my job is to love her anyway.

I forgot that all these days will be gone before I know it, and I won’t get a second chance to be the best parent she deserves.

I forgot that she is one of two things that would make me throw myself in front of a train, even if she told me a thousand times that day to go away.

I forgot to be the grown up.

So, yesterday was a pretty good day.  We both kept our promises of no yelling, and promised today would  be the same.

I’ll try not to forget today, too. Ok?

Hot On The Titties: The Vaccination Debate Just Took A Turn For “DO IT”



Maybe I’m a bit of an asshole for just never letting this topic go, but this new research coming out of the Mayo Clinic is pretty astounding.  It’s actually pretty similar to a project I once worked on, back in my science life.  The idea is is to use a virus or immune response to break through a cancer cells defenses, and attack it from the inside out.  If you can get the weapon into the bad cell, it can’t handle it and pretty much explodes.   In this case, they injected a woman with a fucking battalion of measles vaccine  and cured her myeloma.  That’s cancer, folks.  Cured.

This technology isn’t particularly new, but I believe it is the first time they have tried it with a specific vaccine and had results like this.

Which brings me to my Hot on The Titties question.  I’m gonna make this pretty short today, and hopefully get a good conversation started.  I’m interested to hear what everyone has to say.


If your child had cancer, and you doctor showed you this study and asked you if you would accept the “super dose” of measles vaccine for a chance to save your child’s life, would you say yes?

As a parent who vaccinates, the answer to me is pretty obvious.  A total fucking no brainer.  Because any parent would do anything to save their child if they could. Right?

And I’m going to go ahead and assume most of the anti-vaxxers would say yes to my question.  And so then I say this to you:

The chance of your child getting cancer is quite slim, and most childhood cancers are fairly curable.  Same with most childhood diseases.  So if you would then say yes to save your child from cancer, and finally concede that the benefit outweighs the risk, why would you not do it as prevention?

And the difference, folks, is that we take cancer seriously.  The word scares the shit out of people, and so it should.

So maybe, if we changed the names of all the scary childhood diseases that can turn your life upside down, cause your child to suffer, cause permanent disability , and cause death to “cancer”,  maybe then people would see the forest for the goddamn trees.

And the floor is yours, Bitches.




10 Reasons Change Is Hard

If anyone was wondering how my week has gone, let me sum it up by saying change is hard.  After 9 glorious months of having a stay at home Husband, his parental leave expired and he toddled off to work this week.

Now because he works 12 hour rotating shifts, he only works four days at a time, but those four days, plus the commute pretty much leave me as a single parent.  Are the four days off worth it?  Most of the time.  Hopefully this time.

Needless to say, the Destroyer didn’t adapt well to having Daddy gone.  She just about destroyed my will to live.  Or at least to live a sober life.  Let’s just say I’ll likely be visiting the wine store to restock things a little sooner this month than normal.

1. Any potty training progress we had started to make has gone down the toilet.  Except it totally hasn’t.  Because now she refuses to even discuss using it since Daddy went to work.  Diapers forever, dude.

2. She punched me in the eye for putting her on the toilet the other day.  Then she learned a whole bunch of new swear words.

3. She had a complete, colossal, nuclear meltdown when she realized Bestie was here to babysit and not just hang out on Monday.  Thank goodness it was Bestie here babysitting because she supports my choices in bashing my head against a wall, and talked me out of my giant parenting failure.  She’s back to being the bestest, and the goat incident is almost forgiven.

4. She’s learned some new wrestling moves and has been practicing on Buddy.  At least he’ll be a tough little bugger.

5. She’s lost pretty much all of her toys 3 times since Sunday.  And she’s still being an asshole.  You can’t discipline an almost three year old, Bitches.  Nothing works, because she doesn’t give a shit.  She’s weighed the pros and cons, and decided that assholery is worth the empty shelves in her room.

6. I think it’s illegal to be drunk when alone in charge of babies.  Does it count as “alone” if the neighbors are home?

7.  Daddy’s absence has caused the hound to throw up and shit herself from stress.  My life revolves once again around the bodily functions of everyone else.

8.  I showered on Sunday.  That’s still counts as clean, right?

9.  It’s May 16 and it snowed yesterday.  So inside it is again.  Yay life.

10.  I want to mount the person who invented Play Doh.  It saved my life this week.  Seriously.  Did you know it can keep babies and toddlers busy for hours? HOURS.

But we survived, Bitches.  And we will again next week,right?



Assholes Should Not Make Babies



I read this morning that Catelynn Lowell and Tyler Baltierra are having another baby.  You know, those asshole “fan favourites” from Teen Mom?   The article made me feel irritated.  Don’t get me wrong, I love babies.  I love pregnant people.  I wish that everyone could experience the love of a child.

But here’s the thing.  The tone of the article and the attitude of these people just rubs me the wrong fucking way.  So, you have a baby at 16 or whatever, and decide to give the baby up for adoption.  The parents graciously allow you to have contact and a relationship with the child.  Everybody wins, right?

That’s the way it’s supposed to be.  The problem I have with this show, and this big announcement is that is takes the life of a baby and makes it cheap.

The only contribution these kids have made to society is to get knocked up and document it on reality tv.  And you know what?  Kids make mistakes.  Shit happens.  But I can’t help but think that part of the reason this couple decided to have another baby was to get back in the news.  Because that’s their ticket, you know?  I can only assume that they are otherwise pretty much useless people.

One quick google search provided several articles that insinuate she got pregnant again so she could get back on the show that made her famous.

As a mother, I just can’t imagine how anybody could not feel the loss of giving up a child or the challenges of raising one.  Hell, I want to beat my own head against a wall half a million times a day raising two babies, and I’m a fucking grown up.

I just keep thinking about all the good people out there who can’t have kids and deserve them.  And can’t afford IVF or the fees associated with adoption. And yes, teenagers who get pregnant by accident and give the babies up sometimes help these couples, but the process and emotional ramifications of that are lifelong deals.  This bullshit makes it cheap.  It takes the heartache that some of those girls go through and makes it seem like no big deal.

Babies are hard work.  Their lives matter.  So Catelynn, no matter how “excited” you are about “keeping this baby”, get a goddamn grip.

If you have any reasonable amount of maturity in you at all, stay away from the cameras, and don’t turn your unborn child into a circus slideshow.  your job is to love and protect and provide.  And by provide, I mean get a job.  And by a job I mean you work and get a paycheck.  Not you get pregnant and sell your story to shit magazines.

Fucking people.

10 Things That Could Make Me Give Up Sex For A Year

So I was farting around on msn.ca this morning, and came across this lovely short article about how a large amount of women would give up sex for a year if it increased their well-being.

And I thought, how is this news?  What kind of researcher would make this, of all things, the focus of their research?  Why didn’t they make it more entertaining?

Because Bitches, ( and no offense Husband) I can almost always be bought if the price is right.  And so, here is my top ten things I would give up sex for a year for:

1.  A few million bucks.  Hell,  one million bucks.  Dollars, that is. Nothing with antlers.

2.  Lifetime unlimited supply of alcohol.  Duh.  One year of celibacy versus a lifetime of free tequila drunk sex?  Giddy up.

3.  A dragon that doesn’t eat goats. (no I’m still not over it…see yesterday’s post.)

4. A potty training magic fairy.

5. A temper tantrum fixing/prevention/diffusing magic fairy.

6. A law against stupidity and assholery among the general public.

7. A full nights sleep where I wake up when I’m not tired any more.  ( See you in 2015)

8. Ok.  I’ll settle for a nap.

9.  Somebody, anybody who will take away Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber and make them stop being a thing.

10.  Just one more Buddy. One more….. as long as # 4 and 5.


How about you, Bitches?  What would convince YOU to give up sex for a year?

I Would Make A Terrible Goat Herder



I’m a traditionalist, Bitches.  Meaning that certain traditions are very important in my life.  And we have a tradition over here that includes drinking wine of some sorts while eating delicious food and gabbing about all the nonsense in the world.

Yep.  That’s Sunday nights at our house with Bestie.  And her presence has become quite important as I search my cloudy sangria induced brain fog for things to tell you about on monday mornings.

Today, I want to tell you why Bestie is sometimes a terrible person.  Cause she can’t be the bestest all the time.  That wouldn’t be fair.  The conversation went something like this:

While watching Game of Thrones, a scene came on that featured a goat herder.

Bestie (B):  “I want to be a goat herder.”

Cookie (C):  ‘OMG!  Me too.  I love goats.”

B: “You know, goat herders have to eat goats.”

C: ” No?  Can’t they just milk them and make cheese?”

B:  “No. You have to eat them.”

C:  “I couldn’t.  Goats are my friends.”

B: “Dude, you need some new friends.”

C:  “Clearly.  Ones that don’t eat my other friends.”

Just then, a dragon flies over the goats, roasts them with his dragon fire and carries one off to eat.  I sit there horrified, because I sorta liked the dragons too up to this point.

B: ” See?  Dragons know what’s up for a goat.”

C: “You can’t eat goats.  It’s like eating a duck.  NOT ALLOWED.”

B: ” You’re just fucking lucky I haven’t eaten your dogs yet.  I’ve got a tasty curry recipe they’d be delicious in.”

I just sat there.  Horrified.  Because you can’t eat animals that can be your friend.

And then I remembered that Bestie once ate Donkey, and said it was delicious. And a donkey is pretty much almost a horse, so no wonder she’d eat a goat.  Because she’s a terrible person.

And I apparently would be a terrible goat herder.

Happy Mother’s Day, Bitches



No Hot on the Titties today.  Because Bitches, everyone’s titties are still blazing over my little rant last week.  The shit keeps pouring in.  And it’s lot of work to keep answering people who want me to read crazy articles written by crazy people and then try to explain to them why their reasoning is crazy.

So, instead I want to talk about something else.  I want to talk about Mother’s Day.

Mother’s Day hasn’t been much of a thing so far for us.   The first one was awful.  I got scheduled to work and I think Husband and I were arguing and it just didn’t so anything for me.

Last year I pregnant and miserable and trying to drag my little Destroyer around to all the Grandmas with flowers to make them all feel appreciated.  Because they’ve done a lot of nice things for us.

This year, Husband gets to return to work after 9 months of parental leave.  So I will be in charge of the little people for 14 hours.  I will coordinate Buddy’s swimming lesson with a visit to my mom, Husbands mom, Husband’s grandam and Destroyer’s “Gago”.  It’ll be fine.  We’ll visit and I’m sure someone will lend me a glass of wine or two along the way.

Bestie was supposed to come and hang out with me, but she offered to work for another mom so she could spend the day with her kids.  I gave the ok, because sometimes, Bestie and I do nice things for other people that aren’t us.

Take note people.  Offer me wine, or I may keep your flowers for yourself.  Everything has it’s price.

But you know what I really want for Mother’s Day, Bitches?

I want to be left the fuck alone for an entire day. From everybody.

Doesn’t have to be happen on Mother’s Day, but the promise of it may put enough juice in my tank to get me through to the end of the school year.

Seriously.  I want to wake up in the morning and put Baileys in my coffee.  I want to go out and shop and eat delicious food and be drunk on wine at noon and left alone.  Without anybody asking me for juice.  Or crying because they peed on the potty and I gave out the wrong sticker.  Or pitching a fit because I asked if they were hungry.

I want to walk up a set of goddamn stairs without removing or hurdling a gate.  I want to leave the house with only a purse and a set of keys. I want to get in and out of the car without 10 minutes of buckle wrestling.

So moms.  Let your families take you out for lunch or dinner and whatever.  Enjoy the crowds and the waits and the bullshit.

I am keeping my fingers crossed for a little bit of solitude.

And at the end of my day alone, I want to come home and snuggle my babes.  Because they are the two most beautiful things in the entire fucking universe.   I know, because I made them.  And they made me who I am today.  And I wouldn’t trade that for anything  Not one goddamn thing.  They are my life, my breath, my heartbeat, and my soul.  Becoming a mother is the most significant contribution I will ever make to this world.

And if I can have just one day to myself remember those things without them interrupting me, that would be great.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Bitches out there.  x



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