by Cookie

This post has been brought to you by my chance meeting of the most annoying fucking mommy I’ve met in a while.

Poor Buddy spent his 11 month birthday morning at the doctor.  3 days of fever, but the ears were clear thank goodness.  I suppose now that the fever has suddenly broken, I should be expecting the rosy red Roseola rash to pop up.

Anyway, I digress, although it was due to this trip to our plucky little doctor’s office that allowed us to meet Mrs.ParentingPerfection.

You’ve all met her.  The kind where she’s got one child that she obviously adores but spends the entire time out in public showing us all how amazing he is because she is the best mommy that ever walked the planet.

She is the equivalent of that asshole at the grocery store walking around with an earpiece talking super loud to some super important dicksmack on the other end like he’s the fucking FBI on a stakeout or something.

Except she’s talking super loud in that best mommy baby voice so that all you can hear is her  down the hall even when you are in the exam room with the door shut.

She’s the one that you make polite conversation with as her little guy toddles over to say hello to you and your baby.

“when is you baby due?” I ask.

“”End of July.  I’m having another boy.”

“Oh that’s nice.  And bonus you don’t have to buy as many new things.”

“Also, I already know everything about boys, so this will be a breeze.”

Really?  I can’t wait for your 18 month old to be hanging off your shoulder while you try to find your nipples in your delirium to feed the new baby.  I can’t wait for you to forget which baby hasn’t been changed since yesterday morning.  I can’t wait for you to wipe that perfect smug little smile of your face and become a regular human being like the rest of us.

Because, honey, you’re about to misplace your cape.

“Once my toddler got old enough to help herself in and out of the car and that sort of thing, I found it easier to get out of the house.  It’s a lot of things to carry with two kids under two, haha.”

“Well, my baby already does everything for himself.  He’s super mobile and perfect and can drive the car for me sometimes. Because I taught him how to do everything for himself by the time he was eating solids. Which is also why I’m having my second baby so soon.  Because I’m fucking amazing too.  And even though I’m super pregnant, I’m going to sit here and eat dried fruit and rice cakes, because I am also having the perfect pregnancy and only bitches eat Dairy Queen every day when they are gestating.”

Ok.  Maybe she didn’t say all of those things.  But her body language screamed them at me.

And my absolutely favourite thing about Ms.ParentingPerfection was the lack of empathy she had.  Whenever I talk to other parents, it’s usually a lighthearted conversation and sometimes we swap anecdotal advice that is part of any normal two way conversation.  But this bitch had everything figured out.

After the one thousandth time she asked her son if he had to pee and he ignored her, I chuckled and said:

“Yep, that’s pretty much the standard response I get every time I ask my daughter if she has to go, and she’s almost three.  She’s just not interested yet, I suppose. Good for you for trying to start so early with a boy.”

“Well, he’s been peeing on the potty since he was 7 months old.  And the other day he accidentally pooped on the floor and he was SO devastated about it.  He’s also been accepted to Harvard, Department of Potty Training.  I have been accepted into HELL because I am a liar and an asshole.”

Seriously, Bitches.  I don’t know why this woman irked me so bad.  But I think it’s because some people are so afraid to just be real and genuine.  It’s like they have to live vicariously through their children being the superstars of everything because they themselves are just giant losers.

I’d love to hear your stories about the time you ran into the King or Queen of Pinterest and wanted to vomit on them.