Fatties Forever!

by Cookie

Bitches, I have the best news EVER.

Read this.

Tired of dieting? Too exhausted to exercise?  No need to worry about it anymore.

Despite the weight loss industry being probably one of the biggest money grabs in the entire universe, it appears as though the true answer lies in -get this- just accepting yourself the way you are.

Science has finally backed us up.  Your body is the way it is.  It  likes the shape it’s in.  And no matter how hard you try to change it, you will likely just end up frustrated and feeling shitty and it’s just so not worth it.

So I’m not saying you shouldn’t be healthful.  Lord knows I try. I try to make myself eat lots of vegetables and fruit.  I try to eat beans because they have fiber and fiber makes cholesterol go down.  It also helps you poo, and anyone who’s ever not been able to take a proper shit for like, 9 whole months during pregnancy can appreciate some good old fashioned regularity.

I run after my children.  I climb the monkey bars with them, and go down the slide.  We go for walks. I lug a 20 something pound baby around all day. I suppose I could squeak in a little more sweat time, but Bitches, I gotta save some time to drink of the grape, right?

The article I read this morning said that researchers have determined that only about 5 % of people who lose weight ever really stay there.  That is nearly impossible to lose weight in the long term.  So if you’re one of those girls who lost weight for your wedding or after you had a baby or because you wanted to fit into your high school jeans, go for it.  Just don’t beat yourself up for getting a little thicker a little later.  It’s the new circle of life apparently.

So, it seems to me that there are three choices:

A. Love your own guts and accept yourself as the creature you are.  Take care of your body but don’t stress out about numbers.  You can be healthy at a size 14 just as much as at a size 4.

B. Diet, get thin, get fat, repeat.  Hate yourself in between.

C.  Plastic surgery.

I have to say that although I am perfectly fine with having a little extra to round out my bones, I would seriously consider plastic surgery.  There is a difference between curves, and extra skin left over from a ginormous baby that made you look like a deflated tire.  So that can go, and I’ll keep my fine round ass.

And if there’s some skinny perfect bitch in your life that is making you hate her, have a little faith.  Just tie her down, feed her some lard and watch her grow.

95% chance she’ll be stuck that way forever.