by Cookie

I’m not entirely sure I bother to read the news, or any news articles as they pop up in my news feed on Facebook anymore.

Because all the things are bullshit, Bitches.  All of them.

Every single thing I read out there is so totally aimed at striking some sort of emotional nerve just to suck you in, and then BAM.  Bullshit, nonsense article.

And then I go and read something like this piece of crap.

Some asshole has decided that school children should carry some kevlar blanket or some sort of shit around on their backs in order to protect themselves from school shootings.  It’s called “The Bodyguard Blanket.”

It’s apparently designed like what the American military uses to protect themselves in war zones.

Come on.

A.  I’m pretty sure that if a gunman wants to lift up those blankets and shoot you anyway, he will.

B.  Do they carry it around on their backs all day?  Or do they have to get a hall pass to go get it out of their locker in the event someone comes in and starts shooting the school up?

C.  So now we want our children to live in a culture of fear?

D. I can think of a whole shitload of alternative solutions that are less stupid, though probably still ridiculous, and more likely to protect your children.



1. Make firearm training part of a teachers education.  Every teacher carries a gun on their hip and is allowed and expected to take down an intruder that poses a threat to themselves or their students.

2. Build a bulletproof room under in the back of each classroom.  Make it out of bulletproof glass so that the students can flip the bird to the attacker and also know when it is safe to come out.

3. Metal detectors at all doors and windows.  No metal objects of any kind allowed on campus ever.  Plastic cutlery and no jewelery allowed.  Otherwise known as prison.

4. Figure out what we are doing to consistently fuck up our kids and not let them think that the way to deal with your frustrations or emotional problems is by shooting people.

5. Have trained attack dogs stationed at all schools. Train them to take down any one who looks like an asshole.

6. Close all schools.  Homeschooling for everyone.

7. Stop reporting these stories in a sensationalized way.  Stop creating a culture where this sees normal.

8. Issue kevlar vests, helmets and camouflage pants as school uniforms.

I’m not trying to make light of these horrible tragedies that seem to be more and more common.  But bulletproof blankets?  I just don’t see how this is going to solve the problem.

It makes me very sad to think that children out there think the answer to their problems is to  hurt other children.  It makes me sad that this is even a topic of conversation.  That keeping your child safe at school doesn’t mean sending a properly fitted bike helmet or teaching them stranger danger anymore.

If I truly had the answers, I wouldn’t be writing such an asshole, tongue in cheek  article about this.

But surely there is a better way than this.