No Such Thing As Sexy Underpants

by Cookie

I just want to take a moment today and talk about mommy tummy.

To all of you moms out there of one baby, it probably hasn’t affected you all that much yet.  After Destroyer, I was able to get into my pre-pregnancy clothes easily and resume the wearing of my usual style of underpants.  And by easily, I mean by following a strict starvation diet where I replaced one meal a day with wine.

Don’t judge.  I was happy.

So one baby?  Still got it.  Still got it enough to wear sexy underpants and get your self knocked up with another baby.

Because that’s what happened to me.  And let me tell you, Bitches.  After the second baby, there are no such thing as sexy underpants over here.  There’s a reason that third babies are often “oopsies”.  Because after the second baby there is no such thing as sexy underpants.  I’ve tried them all, and I actually might just go commando for the rest of my life.

Boy short.  Hipster.  Brief. Thong.  There is not one style that looks or makes me feel sexy.  Fuck underpants.  Fuck them all.

TMI?  Stop reading here.

After the second human being stretches your body to its limits, no amount of starvation can get rid of the extra skin left by the second spawn.  It’s just there.  And the thing about sexy underpants is that they tend to be either really tiny or really low cut, or any combination thereof.  And when you have I’ve had two babies mommy tummy they just fall off.  It’s so annoying.

And there is no point to wearing something that falls off, right Bitches?

I have to tell you that I have never been so happy to see high waisted pants coming back into fashion.  People like to make fun of mom jeans, but you know what?

Those bitches earned them jeans.  I’ve decided that mom jeans and high wasted underpants are rights of passage of all mommies who can’t drink enough wine or starve enough days to completely get rid of the evidence of having had babies.  It’s just another battle scar like stretch marks and wider hips and saggy titties.

So own your mom jeans and non sexy underpants.  Sexy is a state of mind, right?  And no one can feel sexy with their underpants rolling down their belly, no matter how much lace is on them.