10 Things Childless People Can Do To Help Them “Get It”

by Cookie

I hate to be that mom.  You know, the one who who is busier than she wants or needs to be but can never seem to find anywhere to cut back.  The one who always says no to extra things and social activities.  The one who complains that those around her who don’t have kids just don’t get it.

But you know what, Bitches?  They don’t get it.  Try as hard as they might, intentions as pure as can be, they just don’t.  They can’t.

I’ve come to accept that this year I’ve bitten off quite a mouthful.  And that I am that mom right now.  And it super sucks some days.

I think that people without kids simply do not understand how much attention a child  needs.  Let me see if I can help to paint the picture for all you childless people out there.  The ones wondering why life is sooooo complicated for people who have tiny humans living with them.

1. Every time you make a phone call, have a third person talk in your ear the entire time. See if you can keep your end going and have any idea at all of what the conversation is about.

2.  Also try to have a regular phone conversation in the monkey house at the zoo.  With all the screeching, wrestling and antics, you’ll be sure to stay on topic.

3. Think about all the things you have to do to maintain your home.  Dishes, laundry, floor cleaning etc. Now try to do it while balancing a medicine ball on one hip and a leg iron on.  While listening to a repeating CD of the most annoying sound you can think of.

4.  Just for fun, do all your laundry twice.  And as soon as you think you’ve caught up on it, puke all over something.  Just so you can wash it again.

5. Pack your bag for an outing or appointment.  Get ready, do your hair, put on a full snowsuit, hat, mitts, the whole nine yards.  Step outside, and immediately shit your pants.  See if you can still make it on time.

6.  Don’t eat real food all day, and plan to have a late dinner.  Go upstairs, rock yourself in a rocking chair for a couple hours until you feel like you could sneak out of a room past a sleeping dog.  Pray he doesn’t wale up every time you try to leave.  Finally go downstairs and drink a bottle of wine to try to block out the noise of a dog howling at full tilt in an upstairs bedroom.

7. For every errand you have to run, pack and unpack your car at each stop.

8.  For every errand you run, stop at the bathroom in each place.

9. Every time you make yourself something to eat, give it to your dog or the person sitting next to you.  Then make it again. Repeat.  Give up and eat the table scraps.

10. Think of the hardest day you’ve had at work, and imagine that being a break from something else. Think of it as the place you escape to, rather than from.  Because that’s how exhausting and draining it can be to be a parent.

So the next time you wonder WHY it’s so hard to find time to go out with your friend that is now a parent, try this list and see if you still have the energy on a regular day.

And remember that somewhere in there you still have to make room for all the happy things and quality family time that doesn’t just involve taking care of everybody’s shit around you.  The choice to become a parent is an all encompassing, all or nothing deal.  It doesn’t leave room for much else when the humans you’ve made are still tiny.  And yet somehow, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It just means that my priorities are surviving 1-10, and making it to school age.  When I can maybe have a couple hours a day where I don’t here someone screaming “MOMMY!”