thoughts on life, parenting, news, and crazy shit

Month: December, 2014

Things That Made Me Happy Today


In no particular order, here are some things that made me happy today:

1.  Watching the neighbor’s psychotic parrot play fight with their doberman.  Nature reminds us that size isn’t everything, because my money was on that bird.

2.  Watching my Twee Destroyer walk around with her “real web shooting” Spiderman doll gleefully sparying all things in her path with silly string.  Including all three dogs and my bum.

3. Being introduced to the term “Cunt Bunt”.  Happy New Year to me.

2014 has been a slice. Be safe everyone and see you on the other side of midnight.

A Christmas Message



Merry Christmas, Bitches.

Through all the mayhem, errands and dollars spent.  Through all the preparation and stress and wrapping gifts and trying to get everything done.  Through the many bottles of wine.  Through the parties and presents and things.

Try to remember to be kind to one another.  The core of the Christmas season is one of generosity.  Not just with our wallets, but with our hearts.  When you’re out trying to get those last minute things done and some old lady is in your way and your blood pressure is about to boil over, be kind.  Smile.  Ask if she needs help.

As the big day approaches and my to do list seems impossible, I am trying so hard to just say fuck it, and enjoy these minutes with my babies.  They only get one 3 year old Christmas and one 1 year old Christmas, and I am determined not to miss out on any of it just because I have too much shit to do.  Because the shit can wait, but they aren’t going to freeze in time.

My New Year’s resolution this year has nothing to do with a smaller ass or a cleaner vocabulary.  It has to do with the things I can never do again.   It has to do with these moments I will never get back.

So I resolve to be present and engaged with my kids.  I resolve to hold on tight and appreciate all I have.

Even when the 1 year old throws a bottle of bright green nailpolish on the floor and the 3 year old steps in it while I’m trying to cook dinner.  Nailpolish isn’t terribly toxic if licked, by the way.

Hypothetically speaking of course.  Because I was watching them. Honestly.

Love every minute of this holiday season.  Love every minute with your people.

Merry Christmas Bitches.

Way To Go, Sony. Maybe You Should Make A Movie About Cowards Next.

Did anyone read the news today?  Did you hear about the big hack of Sony and the threats (supposedly) of terrorist attacks should the studio release the movie “The Interview”?

Here is the link to the news article I read today.

The movie is about a couple of journalists approached by the CIA and asked to assassinate that crazy fuck who runs the country.  I’m not even sure if the movie is supposed to be a drama or a comedy, but I guess the North Koreans didn’t take too kindly to us portraying them in any light.

Anyway, here’s the thing:

Is this multi-billion dollar company seriously so ridiculous that they are going to cave into these threats?  Since when do we ever allow another country to bully us into any decision ever? I think there are a few possibilities:

1.  This is all bullshit.  Sony got hacked, had all their information and employees information stolen and are embarrassed that they weren’t able to protect themselves better.  They are worried about more negative publicity and lawsuits over this event and are trying to lay low in the meantime.

2.  There was a threat of violence and Sony does sincerely not want to be responsible for any person getting hurt for going to see one of their products.

3.  Nobody wanted to see this movie, and now everybody wants to see what the big fucking deal is.  I mean, aren’t you a wee bit curious to see what would make one country threaten violence to another.  Over a movie?  I mean, come on.

Madonna did once said there was no such thing as bad publicity.

Seriously though, the US government claims that they have not instructed Sony to pull the movie release, and if the US government isn’t screaming “TERROR ALERT!”, I feel like the threat must be pretty idle.  They love to get all worked up and have CNN go in and dress it up as breaking news and find more reasons to show off their guns and blow shit up. Obama himself has said that he thinks people should just relax and go to the movies.

I actually don’t give two shits if I see this movie ever, but what bothers me a little bit is to see Sony bow down and allow someone with a big mouth scare them into to censoring themselves.  It’s a slap in the face to all the men and women who have died overseas so that we can have the freedom to produce what we want, say what we want, and watch what we want.

It’s insulting the countries “liberated” from dictatorships if we give in to the threats made by mad men.  We tell people in violent countries to be brave and trust us because our way is better, and the second  someone else threatens Sony they allow fear to affect their decision making and give up one of the freedoms that we fight for still.

Shame on you Sony.  You failed to protect yourselves from a cyber attack, and now you’re failing by negotiating with terrorists.  You know what I think?  I think that if there were a viable threat the US army would be so on top of it you couldn’t even blink and the threat would be averted.  I think you’re worried about an attack on your assets, not on the public.

I think you are protecting your bottom dollar, at the potential cost of people’s freedom.

Because now terrorists around the world will think they can control what we do in this country by attacking large corporations, and I have no doubt that this will not be the last attack of this kind.

Way to go, assholes.


I’m Not Crazy, The Third One Was An Accident

The pseudo wiener dog.  Winner of the "It Doesn't Sleep In My Bed Anymore"  Award.

The pseudo wiener dog. Winner of the “It Doesn’t Sleep In My Bed Anymore” Award.

People always look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I have two toddlers and three dogs.  Don’t worry, I tell them.  The third dog was an accident.  And they were here first.

So clearly I am not insane or a glutton for punishment or weird for having that many things to look after. Right.

The truth is, having three dogs is a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes when you have small children.  Especially as they get older and require more trips to the bathroom, more trips to the vet and have begun to lose patience with tiny people tugging at their fur all day.  There is always someone under foot and the second both children are finally satisfied with their lives for a moment ,one of the dogs wants something too.

No wonder my feet hurt all the time.

Despite our little house feeling crowded all the time at times, I have to admit that I could never imagine our lives without our mismatched pack of dogs.  I also think that if you have children, a dog is an essential member of the family.

Just don’t get three.  Because then you need a bigger house, a bigger truck and a revolving head.

Here are my reasons every parent should get a dog for their children:

1. You NEVER, EVER, have to worry about the food the toddlers throw on the floor.  It doesn’t even hit the floor.  3 sets of snap jaws lying in wait for one tiny morsel of mashed potatoes and the floor under our table is the cleanest part of my entire house.  I would eat off the floor here, if I thought the dogs would move out of the way.

2. The children have someone new to irritate and climb on for part of the day.  Note:  You must train your dog not to eat children before you take advantage of this.  Or get a dog that is not big enough to eat your children.

3.  The only way I could get my Destroyer to stop sleeping in my bed was to give her the choice of all three mutts to sleep in her very own pink bed with.  Train your dog to sleep in your toddlers bed well before you make this transition….trust me.  Thank God for wiener dogs.

4. I feel okay about leaving my toddlers alone in the backyard for 30 seconds if I have to run in the house for a diaper or a bottle or whatever.  Because three dogs is a lot of dog to get through if you want to steal my children.  Having a big dog in the mix helps my confidence here.  Seriously.  Get a dog.  make it your child’s best friend.  Tell it to take care of your baby, and it will.

5. All joking aside, I read an article once ( can’t remember where) about how children that grow up in houses with animals have less allergies and more robust immune systems because they are exposed to all the shit the animals track in from an early age.  I believe this.  I gave up on sterilizing bottles when I looked over to see my baby chewing on the dogs foot. So much for germs.

6.  I also personally think that having an animal to care for teaches children to be kind and gentle.  They learn to take care of someone other than themselves.

7. Companionship.  Same reason we got dogs for ourselves.  I don’t care if her best friend is a pseudo wiener dog.  Probably the safer choice anyway with all the crazy fuckers out there.

8.  So you know how kids hate to have their nails trimmed?  If you’ve ever had to perform this task on a pug, you will understand how dealing with the children’s nails isn’t even a little bit of a thing. I’ve never even made one of the human children bleed yet and I’m not covered in any hair at the end.

9.  Have a dog because sometimes, it’s nice to not have anyone scream at you or cry all day.  Sometimes, it’s nice to just sit and cuddle.  Sometimes, it’s nice when your friends don’t talk.

10.  Did you know that a dog’s saliva has a type of antiseptic in it?  So if you’re ever lost in the woods with your child and your dog, and the child gets a cut or scrape and you’re out of peroxide, let the dog lick the wound to prevent infection.

Sorry about that last one.  I felt like the list needed t be a “top ten” and I ran out of legitimate reasons.

Anyway.  Get a dog.  Not three, but one is cool.

Hot On The Titties Friday: Is Being An Asshole Now Grounds For Dismissal?



So it’s been a little while since we’ve done a Hot on the Titties Friday post, hasn’t it Bitches?

I believe I’ve found a hot topic for you today.  What I want to know is do you think that someone can be disciplined at work for something they do or say or write in social media?

There is a local story here in Winnipeg about a high school teacher who wrote some offensive, and potentially racist remarks towards Aboriginal people on Facebook.  This article is one that sums things up.

I’m not sure that whether his remarks are appropriate or not is actually the debate.  They weren’t.  I’m also not entirely sure that the man is a blazing racist who wants to bring harm to anybody, but his comments were insensitive and ignorant to a community of people who have been struggling for many generations.

Now here’s the thing.  He is currently “being reviewed” by the school where he teaches.  I’m not sure exactly what that entails.  He hasn’t committed a crime.  He hasn’t physically harmed anyone.  He has an opinion that is about as politically uncorrect as it comes and was stupid enough to put that opinion down where anybody can see it.

So my question is:  Does an employer have a right to analyze one’s social behavior and hold it against them in their professional life?  Does an employer have a right to dictate what I can and can’t do or say in my personal life?  Do they have a right to restrict or even comment on what I say on my Facebook page?

Has social media doomed us all?  You can’t have any fun or say anything tongue in cheek because someone might not like it and tattle to your boss?  Do we have to be “appropriate” at all times because there is always going to be someone who doesn’t like what you have to say?

It’s a tough call.  I mean, I don’t think a blatant racist is someone belongs in the classroom.  But it’s also difficult to know for sure what the intent is behind a written word because it is very open to different interpretations.

I personally say a lot of things on my social media page that some people might not like.  I say fuck a lot.  I joke about boobs and cocks and am downright dirty at times.  I say a lot of things that people are thinking but don’t have the balls to say themselves.  I am  a completely open book, and you can trust me to be honest even if you don’t like what I have to say.
Does that make me a bad person?  Maybe to some.  Does it make me a dirty whore?  Probably not.  The problem is, if you don’t know me, you are likely to make a lot of assumptions based on banter that means nothing.

So, what do you think, Bitches?  Should we be judged in the workplace for our behavior out of the workplace?  Free Speech doesn’t feel very free if you have to censor your words in fear of losing your job.  Crimes are illegal, but last time I checked being an asshole is not.  So if someone has great job performance, but is an asshole outside of work, is it now grounds to fire them?  Tell me what you think.

What I Mean When I Say It’s Worth It

All of us who have tiny humans in our care say the words “some days are so hard, but all days are worth it”  or some such thing.

Are they?  Are those tough moments and shitty days worth the tears and frustration? What does it mean to say “it’s worth it” ?  What’s it worth and how do I know?

To sum it all up, it is.  It must be, or we would drop the diaper bag and run.  We would quit and that would be the end.

So, I was thinking about what all these challenges are worth to me. What would I miss if I didn’t have children and didn’t endure some bad days? It’s mostly a bunch of little things that I would never get anywhere else.  It’s tiny snippets of time that fill my heart back up in an instant to replenish the heavy empty feeling of a day gone bad where everybody annoyed me and I felt like I did a bad job.

It’s kind of like one tiny moment is enough to cancel out a big bucket of bullshit.  Which, in my opinion is a pretty good return on my investment.

A shitty day is worth:

One blown kiss from a one year old across the room.

One heartfelt greeting when I return from work.

One moment of excitement over painting a pine cone with finger paints.

One look for my 3 year old while trying to load everyone in the car, only to discover she has plopped herself into the snow and made a perfect snow angel.

One wondrous look on her face when looking at Christmas decorations at the library.  “It’s Christmas her too, Mommy.”

Two toddlers dancing to the Rio soundtrack every day, and never getting less excited about it.

One second of genuine laughter.

One little hand on my arm.  One whisper of “It’s ok, Mommy, it was just a little accident.”

One face squishing kiss from a tiny one man wrecking crew.

One happy face from reading a book.

One beam of light on her face and an “I did it!”

Two children that know they are loved no matter how bad I fuck it up.

Two children that love me no matter how bad I fuck up.

So when I say, it’s worth it, it’s not just some bullshit reference to some cliche saying.  I know exactly what it’s worth to me, I just forget the specifics sometimes.  I’m trying to remember them more often.  I need to remember them more often, because my tiny humans deserve it.

And how do I know it’s worth it?  Because anything I’ve ever wanted for myself doesn’t even begin to compare to the things I want for them.  The lengths I would go to to do something nice for myself doesn’t even begin to compare to the distance I would go to do something nice for them.  All of my wishes, ambitions, and dreams are meaningless unless I can help them fulfill theirs first.  That’s how I know.

My love for them has no limitations.  That’s how I know.

Find the worth in the little things.

This Work-Life Balance Thing Is A Big.Fat.Lie.

Bitches, if you are a parent and feel like you need to make a change, read this.

It’s a beautiful article written about the difference between being a family manager and  being a family nurturer by the author over at www.handsfreemama.com.

I’ll let the piece speak for itself, but she really hit it on the head for me.  Especially this week.  As a working mom of two toddlers, I often feel  stretched so thin that I am doing a shitty job at everything I do.  It’s terrible to feel like you suck at everything you touch.

And I don’t even work full time.

I’ve been doing a lot of yelling lately.  Buddy has been sick, and therefore not only exhausting me to the point of delirium, but sucking up all of the attention and leaving none for my Twee Destroyer.  So she reacts to the unintentional neglect by acting like a total asshole.

The other issue is that they are both super needy, and on the days where Husband is working and I am single parenting I am having a hard time being in two places at the same goddamn time.  It’s frustrating, I feel like a failure, and I just want to drink wine until I can’t remember my name.

After reading the above article, I analyzed the situation and realized a few things:

1. It’s always worse when we’re on a timeline.  Sometimes it’s because I haven’t planned well and I need absolute cooperation for us to get to our destination on time.  And by planning, I mean I think I need to accept the fact that toddlers need to stop and smell the flowers.  And by flowers, I mean she needs to stop and look at every icicle formed in this god forsaken frozen wasteland.  But the point is, we shouldn’t always be in a hurry.  She needs to explore, and I need to be more patient.

2.  My greatest frustration is when things don’t go according to my plan.  The reason I need everything to go smoothly, is because I need to accomplish my mental list of chores and activities by the time I have to teach in the evening.  That means everyday has a deadline of about 3:00pm, because I want everything in order for the babysitter to make it easy for them.

3. Raising a family is an enormous amount of work.  Running a household is enormous amount of work.  A career that means something to you is an enormous amount of work. At the present time, all of these things are suffering because I figured I could do it all.

I can’t.

This is bullshit, Bitches.

Two generations ago, before all the bra burning crap happened and women decided we should all get to join the workforce and been strung out, us girls had a manageable workload.  Now, we’re  working two full time jobs, except one of them is unpaid.

If you want to be a career woman instead of having kids, go right ahead.  I applaud you.  I used to be that girl.  Hard working, ambitious, and uber dedicated to my task.  But now, after kids?

Now, I long for the 1950’s, where a family could get by financially with one stay at home parent.  Because even though my kids will still drive me crazy, the extra pressure wouldn’t be there.  Most of all, I wouldn’t have put all these unrealistic expectations of myself to be amazing at everything.

I’m all out of amazing, Bitches.  I feel mediocre at best.  On a good day.

Hopefully I will figure out the best way to shuffle things around so I can be a kinder, more effective, less exhausted, more attentive, more patient, more present, more appreciative parent than I have been lately.

Maybe I’m in a slump.  Maybe I need a vacation.  But in the end, work will always be there and there will always be a new opportunity.  My babies only have a short time to be babies and make memories that will shape who they are and how they cope with this thing called life.

Time to slow down.

Gladly taking suggestions on how to do that.  How do YOU balance things, Bitches??

A Bullshit Post About Vaginas, Uteri, Kidneys and Stupid Thoughts ( yes I looked up plural of uterus in the dictionary)

I had this weird thought the other day.

Actually, I had several weird thoughts.  The first one was that I like the idea of becoming a surrogate.  Ridiculous?  I know.  Anyone (probably everyone) who heard my bitching during my pregnancy with Buddy must think this is the stupidest thing that has ever come across my mind.  But honestly, while there are many things about pregnancy that suck, there is just something so magical about knowing that a life is growing inside you.  It’s such an amazing thing; to give life.

Now, of course, the idea of me becoming a human incubator doesn’t sit too well with Husband.  I can completely understand.  How would it feel to watch your wife carry someone elses baby?  To go through all the shitty things about pregnancy and of course the delightful task of pushing said baby out of my vagina.  You could call that a deterring factor.

So here’s where the strange thinking happened.  As far as I understand,  you can surrogate for someone in the US and get paid for it, including compensation for time off work, medical bills etc.  You are, in a way, renting your body out for 10 months.

Here in Canada, you are not legally able to be “paid” to surrogate, but you can be “compensated” for expenses.  However people get around that, I’m not sure of he details.  I feel pretty confident that the compensation has a pretty loose definition, because being pregnant is a lot of work.  Either that, or us Canadian girls are only “lending” our bodies out.

Is this a nice way of saying that American girls are pregnancy hookers, while us Canadian girls are merely pregnancy sluts?


This train of bizarre ideas led me to further think about how come we are allowed to do this at all.  I mean, I can’t “rent out” my vagina for sexual purposes.  I can’t sell a kidney.

But rent out my uterus to grow a human?  Abort an already living being inside my uterus?

NO problem. Because it’s my body, my choice, right?

Don’t get me wrong, I think I should be allowed to do all of these things.  And in a roundabout backwards way of presenting my logic, this whole post has turned into a pro-prostitution rant.  Also I seem to be in favour of selling body parts on the black market.

Can someone find me a full night’s sleep?  Before I start lobbying the government for change?



Age Is Just a Number. A Very Specific Number.

The difference between 17 and 18 is whether or not you can drink beer or brandy.  Wait....that's years, not months, right?

The difference between 17 and 18 is whether or not you can drink beer or brandy. Wait….that’s years, not months, right?

“OOOH!  What a cute baby!  How old is he?”

“17 months.”

“So, 1?”

“No, asshole.  17 months.”

I haven’t actually had this conversation recently, but I was thinking about how people without children are really irritated by parents who talk about their kids age in months.  Now, if my kid was 6, and I told you that he was 75 months old, I would give you this battle.  I would be the moron.

But until age two, I think using months is perfectly reasonable.  Why you ask?

I was thinking the other day, while spending 45 minutes hanging out in Buddy’s room trying to get him to sleep ( 45 minutes!  Speaking of assholes….) about how much he’s changed since being born.  Minus the shittiest sleeping habits of any baby in the history of ever.

When he was first born, we talked about how many days old he was….until about 2 weeks.

Then how many weeks he was…until about 3 months.

Then how many months he is…until about 2 years.

And then, yes, we will start referring to his age in years.  So you can all relax.

But I was thinking that this is how fast they change.  Child development is a super interesting thing.  We talk about their age in months because the milestones that they reach and the changes that happen occur in that frequency.

A 20 month old baby is totally different from a 14 month old baby.  The differences in language and motor skills alone is astounding.  So yeah, he’s one, but those months are huge steps in his life.

And that stuff is important to me to recognize.  It may not be important to you, but I sorta don’t give a shit.  If you don’t want to know, don’t ask.

So anyway, yeah.  My Buddy turned 17 months yesterday.  Can you believe he’s such a giant?  Make him stop growing up.  I can’t bear it.

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