I’m Not Crazy, The Third One Was An Accident

by Cookie

The pseudo wiener dog.  Winner of the "It Doesn't Sleep In My Bed Anymore"  Award.

The pseudo wiener dog. Winner of the “It Doesn’t Sleep In My Bed Anymore” Award.

People always look at me like I’m crazy when I tell them I have two toddlers and three dogs.  Don’t worry, I tell them.  The third dog was an accident.  And they were here first.

So clearly I am not insane or a glutton for punishment or weird for having that many things to look after. Right.

The truth is, having three dogs is a bit of a pain in the ass sometimes when you have small children.  Especially as they get older and require more trips to the bathroom, more trips to the vet and have begun to lose patience with tiny people tugging at their fur all day.  There is always someone under foot and the second both children are finally satisfied with their lives for a moment ,one of the dogs wants something too.

No wonder my feet hurt all the time.

Despite our little house feeling crowded all the time at times, I have to admit that I could never imagine our lives without our mismatched pack of dogs.  I also think that if you have children, a dog is an essential member of the family.

Just don’t get three.  Because then you need a bigger house, a bigger truck and a revolving head.

Here are my reasons every parent should get a dog for their children:

1. You NEVER, EVER, have to worry about the food the toddlers throw on the floor.  It doesn’t even hit the floor.  3 sets of snap jaws lying in wait for one tiny morsel of mashed potatoes and the floor under our table is the cleanest part of my entire house.  I would eat off the floor here, if I thought the dogs would move out of the way.

2. The children have someone new to irritate and climb on for part of the day.  Note:  You must train your dog not to eat children before you take advantage of this.  Or get a dog that is not big enough to eat your children.

3.  The only way I could get my Destroyer to stop sleeping in my bed was to give her the choice of all three mutts to sleep in her very own pink bed with.  Train your dog to sleep in your toddlers bed well before you make this transition….trust me.  Thank God for wiener dogs.

4. I feel okay about leaving my toddlers alone in the backyard for 30 seconds if I have to run in the house for a diaper or a bottle or whatever.  Because three dogs is a lot of dog to get through if you want to steal my children.  Having a big dog in the mix helps my confidence here.  Seriously.  Get a dog.  make it your child’s best friend.  Tell it to take care of your baby, and it will.

5. All joking aside, I read an article once ( can’t remember where) about how children that grow up in houses with animals have less allergies and more robust immune systems because they are exposed to all the shit the animals track in from an early age.  I believe this.  I gave up on sterilizing bottles when I looked over to see my baby chewing on the dogs foot. So much for germs.

6.  I also personally think that having an animal to care for teaches children to be kind and gentle.  They learn to take care of someone other than themselves.

7. Companionship.  Same reason we got dogs for ourselves.  I don’t care if her best friend is a pseudo wiener dog.  Probably the safer choice anyway with all the crazy fuckers out there.

8.  So you know how kids hate to have their nails trimmed?  If you’ve ever had to perform this task on a pug, you will understand how dealing with the children’s nails isn’t even a little bit of a thing. I’ve never even made one of the human children bleed yet and I’m not covered in any hair at the end.

9.  Have a dog because sometimes, it’s nice to not have anyone scream at you or cry all day.  Sometimes, it’s nice to just sit and cuddle.  Sometimes, it’s nice when your friends don’t talk.

10.  Did you know that a dog’s saliva has a type of antiseptic in it?  So if you’re ever lost in the woods with your child and your dog, and the child gets a cut or scrape and you’re out of peroxide, let the dog lick the wound to prevent infection.

Sorry about that last one.  I felt like the list needed t be a “top ten” and I ran out of legitimate reasons.

Anyway.  Get a dog.  Not three, but one is cool.