Random Crap No One Cares About

by Cookie

1. I just stubbed my toe.

The kind of toe stubbing that hurt so fucking bad it made me contemplate life.  It occurred to me as I sat there trying not to curse too many times in front of my child and holding the injured baby toe that I may have trouble walking later.  It occurred to me that no doctor would give a shit and that it would probably be super inconvenient.

It also occurred to me that although I have endured two natural and pain intervention free childbirths that stubbing your toe is oddly on the same level of pain.  For reals.

If you were ever wondering what it feels like to be in labour, imagine stubbing your vagina, similar to how you would stub your toe.  Then stub it again and again at increasingly frequent intervals until you’re doing it every 60 seconds or so.  For 30 hours. It would be pretty comparable.  That’s how much stubbing your toe can fucking hurt.

2. The Buddy-Baby just tossed himself down the stairs.  It was bound to happen, if genetics have anything to do with it.  I’m actually surprised it took him this long, seeing as his sister used to do it on a weekly basis at this age.

Not to fear, we are well stocked with teeth rotting but heart warming candy and popsicles, thanks to the plague we suffered earlier this month.  There was no blood and no obvious bruises or bumps, so I will stay optimistically hopefully this tragedy is now over.

3. We are under a boil water advisory in the city.  In my not-so-professional opinion, we can thank some city water sampler for fucking up and contaminating his sample therefore causing ridiculous people undue amounts of stress.  Bottled water is sold out everywhere.  It’s not like the water has turned into neon green slime.  It had slightly higher than allowed bacteria counts which is killed by boiling.  I took a bath today and let the water touch my mouth.  I have yet to grow any extra limbs or start vomiting uncontrollably, so you’re all probably fine.

4.  The pug’s mammary-testicle continues to grow.  Many of my students are asking if she is in fact a boy and why did I give him a girl name like Gracekelly?

It’s actually a breasticle.  A breast that looks like a testicle, because from behind she does look like she has nuts. We haven’t cut it off because the dog has a habit of dying on the operating table.  Any advice here wold be greatly appreciated.  Is there a Breasticle Anonymous  support group for pet owners?

Other than that, It’s All Quiet on The Wednesday Front.

 

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