No. You Can’t Have Sex With Your Brother.
Hands down the most horrifying part of parenting is when they start asking the sex questions. Or the boob questions. And the how did I get in your tummy questions. For someone who is so keen on vagina talk first thing in the morning, this part of parenthood has got me all turned around.
So, naturally, I turned to Bestie for help. I informed her that sex education was her job and that she better get started because the Destroyer was starting to ask questions. NO problem, right? Bases covered?
Kinda. Bestie’s mom went out and bought this:
Great. Now she’s got an age appropriate porno to look at. And the questions keep coming,
“How did I get in your tummy?”
” Daddy put you in there.”
“Did he cut you?”
“Through my vagina ( God help me).”
” With his penis.” And that, folks, is when I wished I was dead so hard that I actually looked up into the sky and waited for the lightning bolt to hit me.
And just when I thought it couldn’t get worse, she was in the bedroom while I was getting dressed the other day. We’re kinda whatever about nudity in this house, but my plan for that being the limit on sex education is down the toilet.
“When I grow boobs can I have one of those (a bra) to wear over them?”
“How come I have those nipples?”
” So you can feed a baby one day after your boobs grow.”
” Is Buddy going to feed his baby too?”
“No. Boys don’t use their nipples to feed babies. Their job is just to put the baby inside the mommy.”
WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS AGAIN? I CAN’T DO THIS. KILL ME. PLEASE.
” So when we grow up Buddy will put the baby in me and then I’ll feed it?”
“No.” GOD NO. YOU CAN’T HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BROTHER.
“You can’t make babies with your brother. He’s your brother.”
BECAUSE THAT’S HOW LITTLE ASSHOLES LIKE JOFFREY BARATHEON GET MADE, CERSEI. OH MY GOD WHERE IS THAT FUCKING LIGHTNING BOLT?
I seriously ran out of answers. I’m a music teacher. I don’t so sex ed. It’s not in my contract.
Bestie, we’re gonna need some new books. Ones that explain why you can’t have sex with your brother.
Happy Friday, Bitches.