I Don’t Think Jesus Loves Children As Much As He Claims
Do you remember that time I took both offspring to a Folk Mass service and potluck dinner?
Yeah. It was yesterday. The eating part was ok. I managed to get a couple of meatballs and tomatoes into them before they were too distracted by all the things they could try and break. And all the places they could escape to, because if there’s a door, it should be opened, right? If there’s stairs, they should be climbed or fallen down, right?
It’s impossible to go anywhere with an almost two year old and almost four year old without people staring at you. Because toddlers are little assholes.
I’m not sure why Jesus loves children so much because you know what? They act like total dicks in church.
So much that we had to leave early. Somebody missed his nap and just couldn’t keep it together til the very end. So I packed up and we went to leave.
And that’s when Jesus got his revenge.
It was pretty humid all day and the sky was looking questionably grey. It was just starting to rain, and as we walked down the stairs on our way to the car, He literally opened up the Heavens and the skies and all the things that make you wet and unleashed a torrent of rain. It was like someone dumped the biggest bucket of water in the history of ever over our heads.
Destroyer: ” I don’t like to be wet!”
Me: “Then you better run faster.”
And you what else? Fuck carseats. Fuck them right to hell where they actually belong.
Because the run to the car was only about 30 seconds. And while I got my children sheltered into the car, I had to buckle them into those fucking seats while God punished me for my children’s ill behavior. Next time I go to church with my children I’m wearing a bathing suit.
Thanks a lot Buddy. Can’t take you anywhere without it being a total circus.