Wine Is Way Better Than Jogging

by Cookie

Every time I consider giving up drinking wine I casually reminisce about the week I’ve had and all the retarded things my kids have done.  Then I reconsider and go to the Liquor Store.

There’s rarely a problem that wine can’t fix.

And YOU.  Stop fucking judging me, because 10 million other mommies out there feel the same way.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not an alcoholic or anything. At least I don’t think so.  I have usually 2 glasses with or after supper.  It doesn’t affect my ability to parent or do my job. I rarely ( if ever) drink to excess. I’m not hungover in the morning.

But the thought of giving it up sucks.

It’s kind of like asking someone to give up jogging.  They jog every day.  They’re not sore after.  It takes their stress away.  It makes them feel happy. Jogging doesn’t interfere with their life, but they look forward to it every day.  If they accidentally jogged too much one day, they would pay for it the next day.  Everything has it’s price.

But you know what?  Wine is way better than jogging.  And some days, a shot of tequila is really nice too.  Like on Sundays, when Bestie is here and both kids are finally in bed.

So you can jog or do yoga or whatever, and I’m gonna do shots of tequila on Sunday night because last week the Destroyer climbed a tree and caught a fucking bird.

You read that right.  She’s playing in my parent’s backyard when I hear this horrible screeching sound.  I look over and my almost 4 year old has climbed a tree and is slowly crushing a crow to death with her bare hands.

“LOOK!  I think he likes me!”

Jesus Christ.  Some wine would’ve been nice right then.

I drink wine because my Buddy is going through this cute phase where he tries relentlessly to murder himself.  While playing in traffic is his number one priority, he’ s also into drowning and throwing himself off tall objects.  Almost two year old boys are complete fucking maniacs.  Maybe he should do the jogging, and burn off some of the crazy.

And in all fairness, it’s not just my children’s fault.

Having a job is nice because I can afford to buy all the wine I need.  But the irony is that people are dicks too.  Not as much as toddlers, who are outright assholes most of the time, but they are full of drama and stupid behavior.   Sometimes having to deal with people who are over 5 feet tall is a real pain in the ass.

And you know what?  I am WAY wittier after a glass of wine, which makes making fun of people that irritate me that much easier.  Can jogging so that?  I don’t fucking think so.

So yeah.  I’d rather do my heart a favor in the liquid form.  And yeah  I guess I could have both, but I’m not a greedy person.  I take only what I need.

Bottoms up, Bitches.

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