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Month: December, 2015

Redefining Beauty


I’d say that 30 years has treated you well, ma’am.

So who’s seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens?  Millions of you, I’m sure.

Who amongst you thought: “God, I wish they could have done something about the way Princess Leia looks.  She looks way older!”?

If you did, I’d like to extend a giant “fuck you” for perpetuating an unreasonable standard that all women, not just Hollywood women but perhaps especially so, feel like they need to try and live up to.

Seriously, the last movie came out in 1985.  A whole new generation of Star Wars fans wasn’t even born yet.  Do you look the same you did 30 years ago?  You’ve gained about 150 pounds, gave up the good fashion sense your parents gave you and likely have some acne scarring.  So fuck off.

Of course, we should applaud Carrie Fisher for not really giving a fuck through her statement:

“Please stop debating about whetherOR not👁aged well.unfortunately it hurts all3 of my feelings.My BODY hasnt aged as well as I have.Blow us👌🏼

Her attitude is right on target.   As I approach 40 in the next couple of years, I’ve decided to embrace a few things about myself.

  1.  The clothes that I wore pre-babies are an unreasonable goal.  Whatever the scale says, my body is different and those things aren’t as comfortable or as flattering as they used to be.  And it’s time to let it go.
  2. Ageing is something we should be proud of.  If I think about all the shit I didn’t know in my twenties and all the shit I know now, I don’t think I could even have a meaningful conversation with myself 20 years ago. Yeah.  Maybe our brains get bigger alongside our asses.  Food for thought.
  3. Other people’s opinions about my appearance are really just their own insecurities manifesting themselves elsewhere.  And I have enough of my own bullshit to deal with so take your shit to another universe.

Carrie Fisher goes on to say “We treat beauty like an accomplishment and that is insane. “

Because seriously, anybody can go on a diet, or have some surgery done, or buy false eyelashes or get their hair dyed.

And Bitches, I am not against any of those things.  As long as you’re doing it because that’s what makes you feel beautiful, and not because there is some lame standard definition of what beauty is.

Anyway, Carrie Fisher.  I love what 30 years has done to your brain.  It is sexy as hell.



Resolutions, Smesolutions.


So here we are.  December 30, 2015.  Time to to decide what our resolutions will be for 2016.

What do you want to be better at next year, Bitches?  What do you want to do differently?  What part of you needs change or improvement?

More importantly, why is the changing of a number on a calendar such a motivator to be a better you?

Resolutions are such bullshit.  Today, I will decipher the true meaning behind popular resolutions.

  1. “Starting January 1, I am going to eat healthy.  I am going to go to the gym, and lose 20 pounds.”    What this actually means is that you are going to allow some gym to lure you into a membership and then go hardcore for 2-4 weeks until the guilt from treating gravy as a beverage for the month of December wears off.  You will likely spend your gift cards on cute workout wear to make yourself feel like you’re really serious this time. You will then gradually visit the gym less and less as you realize that going to the gym is a real pain in the ass and you would rather be fat/phat.
  2. “Starting January 1, I am going to quit smoking.”  I call bullshit.  Smoking is a real bitch to quit.  It is seriously so hard.  You need a real piece of motivation, and the turning of the calendar year doesn’t count.  Think about it.  How many pregnant women do you see unable to quit?  How many people on oxygen do you see still smoking?  If possible harm  to your baby or death aren’t good enough motivators, as if the fact that it is suddenly 2016 will work.  Good luck.
  3. “starting January 1, I am going to quit drinking”    hahahahahahahahahah.  NOT EVEN.

How about this?  Here are my resolutions:

In 2016, I am going to try and be less of an asshole  than I was in 2015.  I will likely still drink whatever amount of wine and tequila in order to cope with the things in my life that irritate me.  I will likely still say fuck all the time because recent studies have shown it actually means I’m smarter than some prude and deep down a better person.  I will continue to be the best mom that I can be and take care of my children in whatever way keeps them safe, gets us through the day,and makes them not be assholes.  I’ll go through times where I take really good care of myself and eat healthy and maybe even lose some weight.  And then I’ll celebrate a little too hard and gain it back.  And I’ll be happy and love myself through all of it.  I will have some days where I rock this shit and days where I fuck it all up, and I will be ok with that.

What I’m saying is,  I will continue to be me.  A real person with nothing to hide, and I will love myself despite my flaws.

Oh.  And I do resolve to start blogging again.  Because this helps me keep my shit real.

Cheers to 2016, Bitches.


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