Happy January: The Bachelor Is Back!

by Cookie


I am SO GLAD that Christmas is over.  And not just for the reasons you think.  Not just because of all the extra work and running around and money spent.  Not because of the fucking turkey and cabbage rolls and kitchen explosions.  Not even just because of the stress and mild alcoholism and bullshit.

Because it’s January, and that means the return of the goddamn Bachelor.

Yes, Bitches, you read that right.  I am one of those losers that loves Bachelor nation, and last night’s season premiere did not disappoint.

I love me a good cat fight that consists of 25 girls and lasts 10 weeks. I love the word “amazing”.

I love crazy bitches who clearly ignore the rules for success on The Bachelor.

So last night, we have a couple of front runners for Queen Crazy this season already:

Mandi the Dentist actually brought her dental tools and gave Ben a check up on the couch.  Her turnoffs include gingivitis and bad flossing technique.  Did I also mention that she wore a giant rose hat and is slightly cross-eyed?   She may end up being the Ashley of this season and I can’t wait to watch her mental breakdown.

Then there’s Lace.  First of all, I hope your parents didn’t hate you so much as to name you after their favourite stripper.  I hope that your clear insanity made you shorten the childish “Lacey” to “Lace” so you sound more mature and slightly slutty.  I’d also like to point out that you and Ben have had two fights and you likely don’t even know each others last names yet.

“You didn’t look at me the entire rose ceremony”

Seriously?  For reals?  Are you sure no one hired you to be the impossible, high maintenance psycho this season?  Can’t you just let the poor man get drunk and admire his harem for the one night?  I guess your love for him just makes you do crazy things. Jesus.

And I have to say that from the moment Maegan arrived with Huey the miniature horse, I was committed to her team.  I can’t believe he cut her.  She was the BEST EVER.  “Twins?  How do you top THAT?  you bring a fucking horse.”  This isn’t a direct quote but seriously she was so awesome.

Oh yes.  The twins.  The year The Bachelor turns into a porno.

I think we’re in for a STELLAR season this year, Bitches.