Things That Make Me Want To Punch You In The Face
Maybe I’m an irritable person. Intolerant even.
Maybe you’re an asshole and I just don’t have time for your shit. Probably.
In reality, I must actually have the patience of Saint What’s-His-Name because everybody is still alive, nobody has a black eye or a pack of ice on their nuts and I’m sober most of the time.
Here’s a list of my favourite –not favourite things that make me wish I could just randomly punch people in the face. Kind of like Hulk Smash, but on a smaller scale:
- When my children fight over who gets to put the blue bath bomb from Lush in the bag and it deteriorates into a double meltdown of the EPIC kind. I’m talking down on the ground screaming and kicking their legs fucking Irish paddy. Times two. Guess who never got their bath bomb and now has to have a nice Johnson &Johnson No Tears Shampoo bubble bath now? Everybody. Cause I dropped that crap and dragged them both out of there and all the way back to the truck.
- When I give each child a candy and tell them to sit on their floor while I finish something up with the clerk in the store. Then they both hand me a sucked on candy and say it’s yucky. The best part is there is no garbage in the store and said candy is still in my coat pocket, stuck to the inside wool for all eternity.
- When you cut me off in traffic and proceed to drive 20km below the speed limit.
- Lego hurts, but stepping on Hot Wheels is a real bitch too. Because it has wheels, so it moves while it impales you and is known to sprain ankles.
- Having my period before I get my period. Because my uterus is a real asshole sometimes. Except when it was pregnant with Eli. Then it was the most hospitable environment in the whole world because he wanted to stay inside it forever.
- Giving up on my post holiday binge diet because I realized I actually kind of like the way I look and Jesus Christ what is the point of being alive if I can’t eat toast in the morning?
- Safeway Wanted 6.99$ for a mini watermelon that was barely larger than a good size grapefruit. Nope.
- So help me I love that song “Love Yourself” by Justin Bieber. That makes me want to punch myself in the face. And you too. Mostly you.
- People. All people. Probably you.
- Winter.Snow. Cold. Frozen titties. Frozen fingers. Frozen toes. Buuuuuuuut. No fucking Elsa or Anna. There’s that.