Bae, You Are My Best Ducking Frand.

by Cookie


If there was an award for worst texter ever, I would definitely be a front runner.  I literally cannot type words as fast as they come to my head and so my texts end up being a sea of nonsense with the word “ducking” splattered amongst all the other shit.

You would think that after all those years, my phone wold understand that the word ducking is simply not usable in all the ways that “fucking” is and that seriously who says ducking that much?

My IPhone also liked to change “OMG” to “IMF” whatever the hell that stands for.

So anyway, I began to assume that everybody else was challenged in the same way…..too big thumbs and a loser phone with no taste for colourful language.  I mean really, Steve Jobs?  Were you that much of a goody two shoes?

When I started seeing “bae” in texts or on Facebook, I thought people were trying to write “babe” but just having a typo.  Turns out it’s a new word in the Urban Dictionary.  Some other wonderfully ridiculous companions are “yas, frands, and jelly”.

I literally just found out about these words this week.  And here’s the thing:

YAS just means yes.

FRAND just means super friend.

JELLY means you’re an asshole who can’t spell jealous and gave up.

I seriously don’t know what to do with all this bullshit lazy slang going on here.  I mean, if Husband suddenly referred to me as his Bae, I’d be like: you know that’s a verb right?  The kind that wolves do when there’s a full moon?

And what fuck is even the point of YAS?  You’ve changed one letter and now everybody thinks you have some weird accent from a country that doesn’t have the letter E in their alphabet.

There’s already a word for FRAND, and it’s BESTIE.  We don’t need a million new words to describe the same goddamn thing.

I don’t know.  It just seems like a bunch of people got together and decided that wearing their jeans halfway down their ass and listening to hip hop wasn’t enough to make them appear to be all badass.  Now they have a lingo.  Except it’s the white-privileged -trying-to-be-cool lingo that really just makes you sound like an asshole.

It’s bad enough that texting has undone all the hard work teachers have worked for in school to help us learn to spell.  Everything is shortened because it takes too much time to write out full words in a text.  We are becoming so lazy and disconnected in our relationships that we can’t even be bothered to use real words and spell them out.

The English language is becoming so abbreviated that it looks like we’re trying to fit everything we say on a license plate.

As a lover of music and language, I just shake my head.  We are  such a lazy generation. Here’s an idea:  If you have so much to say that every word gets shortened into some bullshit slang that your Mom can’t understand, pick up the fucking phone instead, and talk like a human.