I’ll Know I Have A Bikini Ready Body When My Bikini Is On My Body

by Cookie



As I’m scrolling through the news this morning, there were three articles about wearing bikinis.  Three!

Yes, I get it.  Bikinis are awesome.  I happen to own a few myself.  But I honestly had no idea they were so news worthy.

There were two articles about celebrities and their bikini bodies.  One was about Jennifer Aniston wanting to wear one when she’s 80.  Another about some celebrity and her “fit bikini body”. And then one more about regular people getting bikini ready or some other shit trying to convince women that they aren’t beautiful right now.

And that’s the irritating part.

You how I get bikini ready?

  • I wait for hot weather.
  • I look for a place to swim.
  • I put on my bikini.

I am so sick of the news trying to make me feel like I am not good enough or beautiful enough and that something about me always needs fixing.  Weather it be my ass or my skin or my hair or my attitude.

5 million Syrian refugees with no homes and no where to go.  Wars everywhere.  Economic and environmental crisis.  And you want to talk about whether or not my ass belongs in a bikini?

Fine. Let’s do that too. Here are all my reasons to love bikinis RIGHT NOW.

  1. Because I look hot in one, no matter what your fucking article says about getting a beach ready body.  My body is on the beach.  Therefore it is ready.
  2. I’ve had two children, which means I have limited bladder control.  A wet bikini is a lot easier than a one piece to pull off when using the bathroom.
  3. Breasts need a little support sometimes too.  Underwire!
  4. I can wear two different sizes to accommodate my assets on top at the same time!
  5. Husbands.  All husbands love bikinis.
  6. Princess Leia.  Gold bikini.  *mic drop*

I get it.  The diet and fitness industry is a million dollar industry.  Maybe a billion dollar industry.  I don’ know…. I didn’t do any real research.

All the salespeople and advertisements are so good at trying to convince you that they want to help you be healthier, happier, and better than you are today.

I call total bullshit.

They are preying on your insecurities and actually trying to make you feel like you aren’t good enough right now.  That your self worth is tied to the size of your pants or the definition of your abs.

Well, it’s not.  Your self worth should be decided by what kind of human being you are.

And yes.  Working out is good for you.  It relieves stress.  It gives you energy.  It keeps your heart pumping.  So yes.  Do that.  All the exercise.  Eat all the vegetables.  They help you shit and give you vitamins that fight scurvy.

And wear a bikini if you’re a size 4.  Or a 14.  Or any other size.  Do that too.

Fuck already.